Politik

‘confusing what is real’ Linkin Park – Crawling

You know what I’m sick of? (apart from war-mongering and the blathering of the english cricket team, and I don’t even like cricket, but find myself watching the world cup – because that’s all that’s on in our house right now). I’m sick of headache cures. I’m sick of listening to everyone’s opinion and how it is right and the only opinion I want to hear, I’m not. You see, I’ve been getting really bad headaches. I don’t just mean, ‘oh my head’s a bit sore, I should take an aspirin… oh it’s gone’, I mean ‘are my brains about to explode out of the side of my head and isn’t that light to bright and that wind too loud’ kind of sore. At least the dizziness has disappeared, the kind of dizziness where you fall over in your own bedroom because suddenly everything spun and you have no idea where you are. But the head still hurts, which partly explains, again, my extended absence. I can’t face this site when my head is pounding. After this, I’m going for a long lie down. And that’s the other thing – I just can’t stay awake. I’m dozing off at work (granted it’s not the most fun job in the world, but the constant phone ringing and ‘can you solve this problem’ should be enough to keep me at least slightly in the land of the awake, but no). I’m not eating either, but that’s no big loss, I could lose a few pounds. I’ve gone off chocolate – which is weird though.

Anyway, all of this led me to the doctors two weeks ago. Frankly he was baffled. Eyes are fine, no ear infection, no pain in my neck (apparently this matters but I don’t know why). ‘Take these and if it doesn’t go, come back next week’. So I pop pills (starting with codine) and feel a million times worse. I go back. Baffled. ‘Take these, see the nurse, we’ll get these tests done and see what they say. Of course if they come up with nothing then it’s gonna have to be hospital and a CT scan.’ I nod slightly (still dizzy and too painful to move my head too much) and leave. And later at night, in those moments between sleep and awake (which aren’t many with me at the moment), I suddenly think… CT scan? Like in ER? Does he think it’s that serious? I just thought it was a few lousy headaches and a little tiredness. Shit.

I’m working part-time at the moment. Well, 6 hours a day plus my once a week late shift and my once a month saturday. I should still just about bring home enough. I return to the docs on Friday to hear the bloodtests results and have everything crossed that something fixable has shown up. Cos I just can’t bear to think about anything else that it may be.

Of course all this has really distracted from my birthday. My meal out was nice, it showed that some of my friends are useless. (How can someone, despite 4 text messages, two on the day, claim they forgot? Really?!) But it’s all been downhill since then. We are off to Arran next weekend which I’m looking forward to, the break might help, plus it involves a night at my parents which I always like. Other than that, studying and working and sleeping seems to be my life at the moment. And of course headache tablets and cures.

Until there is a next time…

xx