Fool

‘gather me up because I’m lost, or I’m back where I started from’ Kristen Hersch – The Letter

Birthday-eve… not thinking about it, not bothered by the fact that I was greeted with the words ‘happy last day of being 25’ at 6am, not bothered about the fact that as of tomorrow I will be closer to 30 than 20, not bothered… no… not at all.

We caught some programme last week about the six degrees of separation theory. Duncan found it amusing, figuring it couldn’t possibly work, but then we thought about it and realised that it could. For example, I went to school with Lee Hendrie (midfielder for Aston Villa) – degree one – he plays football with Darius Vassell – degree two – darius has played for the England team and therefore knows Sven Goran Eriksson – degree three – sven knows david beckham – degree four – and david beckham knows his wife victoria – degree five. So from Perfect Circle to Posh spice in five degrees. We had others (the Queen, Nelson Mandela, Blair and Bush) but you get the idea. Of course we were cheating slightly by using a celebrity (albeit minor in some cases) the girl in the programme had to get to a mongolian nomad horse herder in 6 degrees – she managed it in nine, which I still found impressive, I think I’d hard pushed to do the same connection in nine.

Which makes it feel like a small world. 6 billion plus people and you can probably connect to a good proportion of them in, for arguments sake, under ten degrees. Try it… hours of amusement for the whole family I assure you!

My a-level exams are now sorted so I can get back to studying without feeling like I’m wasting my time. They are in may and june, which sounds like ages away but I just know that suddenly it will be early May and I’ll know nothing. There are too many distractions before then – Arran, my sisters coming for the weekend, donut coming in april. I’m already almost a week behind and the original schedule didn’t leave much room for falling behind. I shall have to redouble my efforts after my birthday (well I can’t be expected to study then can I?)

Is it possible to be excited and yet a dread a day at the same time. I love birthdays – especially other peoples, but I like the surprises of my own. Apart from my glasses, which I already have I have utterly no idea what Duncan and my friends and family have bought me. Duncan has even liaised with Melissa and Mary about which presents they should get me. I love that, I’m so excited about getting presents tomorrow afternoon on a day that is totally and utterly mine, not Christmas or anything else, just my day.

But can’t I have all that without adding on another year? Please? I can’t be 26 and still get asked to produce id when I go drinking. I can’t be 26 and still not settled into a career, life plan, anything. I can’t be 26 and suddenly have that maturity that all other 26 year olds seemed to have when I was younger. I feel 18 still, young, innocent, completely unprepared for the world outside. Inside me a seven year old screams because she feels too young and unable to cope with thoughts of settling down and marriage in a couple of years.

I know that 26 isn’t that old, it’s barely anything in the grand scheme of things, but really, when it stares you in the face it is. I want people to make a huge fuss of me and and spoil me but not if I have to admit that the reason I’ve taken my age off my diary is that I can’t bare the thought of it being up there in purple – Perfect Circle is 26. And she hates it. And there’s not a damn thing she can do about it.

Until there is a next time…

xx