Mamma told me not to come

‘I know nothing stays the same, but if you’re willing to play the game, it will be coming around again’ Carly Simon – Coming around again

Here’s the thing. I’m 25. I know that there is no rush to do everything I want to do, but sometimes I just get the feeling that maybe I should be doing all that I want, cos I may never have the chance again. Like kids for instance. I’m far too young to hear the tick tock of the biological clock and yet sometimes, I swear I can hear it speeding up. Is there even a biological clock, really? I mean, why should my age dictate when it is suitable for me to have kids, why can’t I feel that urge now, just cos I’m 25? It’s not like I’m about to rush home and get myself pregnant as quickly as possible, I’m far too sensible and predictable to do anything that rash. Our financial situation alone is bearable for just two of us, no way we could cope with a third mouth to feed. (Or should that be 4th, Andrew is still here and has almost organised a place to stay, but is still eating my food and watching my tv. Girlfriend dumped him though, so at least I won’t have to put up with anyone else in the near future). But the point is I get broody. I work near an infants school and seeing all these kids leaving each day, the 4/5 year olds in their new school uniform, still excited by the prospect of going to school. It makes some part of me ache.

But here’s the crux of the entry. Next month, friends of mine will hold an engagement party to announce to everyone that, after dating for 11 months, they are engaged to be married. And I should be happy for them, right? I am happy for them, I was beginning to think Tony would never find someone good enough to meet his exacting standards and put up with his obsession with computers, football and, well computers. But he has, and Kelly’s a lovely girl who I get on with better these days (now I finally think that she’s accepted that, yes the group of us are Tony’s friends, the only ones who’d put up with some of his quirks and she’s gotten used to us). So I’m happy for them.

But I’m jealous. Quite simply jealous. I’m the one that’s been with my boyfriend for 19 months, and living with him for just over sixteen of them. We’re the ones who settled first, so why isn’t it our party we’re inviting people to? Why isn’t us that have mortgaged away the next couple of decades for a tiny house? And maybe there’s something more to it. Maybe I’m wondering why it didn’t happen that way when I moved to Newcastle. Cos here’s something that some of you won’t know. When I moved to Newcastle, and before, I fancied him. I wanted to date Tony. Duncan knows this (it was so bleedin’ obvious to everyone), and he knows (or at least he should know) that I don’t feel that way anymore, I haven’t since the first kiss we shared. (And some of you should have guessed this, cos lets face it, to move to Newcastle knowing only him took guts, but only in a ‘I want this to become something more’ kind of way.) But at one time I did. And sometimes, when I look at my life I wonder if things might have worked out differently. Do I wish they had? No. In the end Tony would have driven me mad, spending so much time on the computer, rarely going outside, into the real world.

I’m happy with Duncan, happier than any of my previous boyfriends, flings and crushes ever made me. And I can’t help the jealousy, it may even be construed as being mature for owning up to it. And I don’t want a white wedding in a church surrounded by my family (for many, many reasons, not least the whole ‘I am witch’ thing). But I want something more. And that makes me feel like a terrible person, I should be over the moon with what I have. Duncan, my home, my job (hey, it’s money at the end of the day), my health, so many things so many people don’t have, so I feel guilty for wanting more, for wanting the bit of paper that says we’re legally in a married couple, for wanting to create a new life and bring it into this (terrible imploding warmongering hateful) world.

But I guess that’s just me, laid bare for the world to see, judge and comment on. Never thought when I started this I’d have come this far.

Until there is a next time…

xx