Do you know what your future will be?

‘Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage’ Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with butterfly wings

The wait is almost over. And suddenly I don’t want it to be. Because despite all my anger, annoyance, pure fury at the way we have been treated, it was still all quite safe. Yes, there was December 27th looming in the distance, but it was a way away, a few more weeks, after Christmas, something to deal with in December maybe.

In spite of my anger, in spite of knowing that this day would come, and wanting it to come sooner, now that I know the date, I feel nervous, scared, downright terrified.

Sarah called me at home. I knew it wasn’t going to be good as soon as I heard her voice. Sarah doesn’t call every sick employee, especially those that, the last time she talked to them, the look of pure anger was in that employee’s eyes. Jason, our regional director will be in the office next Thursday. I am also expected to be there, so much so that my days off have been changed to Monday and Tuesday. Depending on Thursday and how I feel, I may well be off on Friday as well.

Thursday will consist of one-on-one meetings with Jason. He’s the one who’s been handed the task of telling us what happens next. Who stays & who goes. He hardly seems like the right man for the job, given his attachment to us all, in his unique way. He was visibly upset when we first heard of the redundancies.

And although I expect to go, I know that if he says the words ‘I’m sorry’ I will cry. He’ll probably cry with me. I must remember to take tissues on Thursday. Ironically though if he says ‘you are staying’ I will probably cry more. The thought of being stuck in Middlesbrough is more than I can bear.

So though I expect to go, want to go, need to go for my own sanity, I’m still scared. Because I thought I’d have something lined up by now. Of the 5 applications I have put in, three have begun interviews. Needless to say, I will not be making an appearance at any of these companies.

I’ve been very lucky in job hunting. I temped after graduating before I landed my permanent job at IPC (on a side note, screw anonymity, does it really matter if you know the name of the company I used to work at? I’m not there anymore. Anyway, this is a diary. If I was writing on paper I’d use real names for everything & everyone, why not here? So :p Diarymaster) I’d been there 7 months before I left. I wasn’t even looking for a job. I was supposed to helping my flatmate to look, but I came across a job that sounded interesting & do-able, and before I knew it I was working for Raw Communications. When I decided to leave London, I applied for two jobs. Those long term readers will know that I was offered the one here at Middlesbrough at icTeesside and was messed about to the point where I had no choice but to turn down the job with Emap.

So I’m not really used to being rejected so many times for jobs. I know, I’m lucky, and going through is merely another lesson in life. But I don’t want another lesson just yet. I would like to enjoy having a comfortable life. I want to be able to feel from day to day, week to week and month to month that everything will continue as it is. You could say that I delude myself on a regular basis. Change is good, necessary, etc, etc. But don’t people always say that when they are forced into a change that, really, deepdown, they don’t want to have to go through?

So I have 6 days left. Maybe this time next week I shall be rejoicing at being freed from Trinity Mirror. Or maybe not.

Until there is a next time…

xx