Pity party for one

Be warned now…this entry is not some of my best work. I just feel the need to pour my soul out.

The last relationship I was in was 3 years ago. Yes, you read that correctly. It ended after 5 years by me finding out he had been cheating on me. I look back at the relationship now and realize that I wasn’t truly happy. It took me over a year to get my life back in order, to stop feeling sorry for myself, to stop missing him. I realized it wasn’t him I was missing, I miss being with someone. I miss having that special person in my life. I miss the small stuff like holding hands, walking down the street and feeling his hand on the small of my back, watching a movie and him running his fingers through my hair. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and feeling his heartbeat, hearing him breathe.

What brought this on? A multitude of things really. The holidays, I have 6 Christmas parties to go to and no date for any of them. My friends, everyone is suddenly in a relationship and happy and lovey-dovey. I bowed out of a night out last weekend because I would have been the only single person there. I just couldn’t imagine that would have been much fun for me. I’m sure my seasonal depression has something to do with it, but I’m back on my meds (herbal, not prescription) so that should help soon.

I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself lately.

I hurt: it seems like all the time lately. Too much heartache

I love: unconditionally. You would think that is a good thing. But sometimes its the worst thing you could do.

I hate: liars and people that are two faced. Just be honest with me, it gets you major brownie points.

I fear: rejection

I hope: to find true love.

I crave: the sun, a warm breeze across my skin

I regret: there are not a lot of things I regret. The only one I can think of is moving to Chicago. I was very unhappy there and the reason behind the move was stupid.

I care: more about my friends than myself. The friends I have are close friends and have made an impact in my life somehow

I always: forget things. My memory is awful.

I long: to be happy with myself

I feel: every emotion strongly and completely. If I love you, I love you fiercely…but the same goes with hatred. I can honestly say there are very few people that I hate.

I listen: very well. I’m the person in our group that anyone can come to.

I hide: what I’m feeling sometimes. I don’t like to upset people and I don’t like people to worry about me. I bottle up my anger, hurt and frustration

I sing: a lot. I love to sing

I write: well…smut! Most of the stuff I write in my notebooks is erotica.

I breathe: air? I’m confused by this one. Moving on…

I play: with my dog Apollo.

I miss: Kenny and Chris

I search: for my reason to be here

I learn: that I know more than I thought, but less than what I should

I know: that the inside of a person matters more than the outside

I say: I have a couple things I say a lot. No worries, Not so much and Rock on are a few.

I fail: just about every math class I take.

I dream: about stuff. I mean…I’m sure I dream. I just don’t remember most of them

I wonder: if this move to California will be good for me or a complete disaster

I want: something steady and constant in my life

I worry: too much about trivial stuff. I really need to take the phrase “Don’t sweat the small stuff” to heart

I wish: that we could find a cure for AIDS and cancer.

I fight: for what I believe in

I wait: for the guy to make the first move

I have: all the family I could ever need!

{{{Hugz}}}
PG