Point.

“It is an unfortunate inevitability in my life that the second one area goes well, another one will automatically fall to Hell.”

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I wrote that a little while ago. I can’t remember where, or when, but those words came out of me, and are time and time again proving themselves to be more and more true.

I’ve taken a chance on life and on a split-second decision I decided to brave the waters of the job market in Austin, and spend the summer sleeping on an air mattress in my friend Erica’s living room. I did this because I couldn’t manage to get any of the classes I wanted up in Denton, and Denton’s job market vehemently told me that no, they had no interest in hiring a freak, even just for temp work in the summer. I’ve a list of 17 some-odd places down here to apply to, which I’m in the process of doing, and I’m around friends in a wonderful city, albeit with absolutely no fucking money.

It just goes to show that nothing will ever go 100% right for me. Drew and I have reached that unfortunate point that every relationship hits where the “I love you’s” have been said, and the fresh shiny bright and new relationship feeling has passed, and you just look for things to do. He’s working long-ass days and is just dog tired whenever I see him. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but frustration has set in where he would rather take his free time to lament over how overworked he is and sit and stare at his TV than even call me to let me know he’s safe and sound at home and not flying into the middle of a huge thunderstorm rolling over the city, as I feared he was last night. If I ask him if he wants to see me, he tells me to do whatever I want to do, and that he really couldn’t care. I’m trying my best to make him feel better as he works himself into the ground, planning little surprises and giving him back massages to help ease the tension, but to little avail. I feel like I’m becoming the complacent housewife who is only attempting to please her husband and keeping her own opinions to herself, and it’s frustrating the hell out of me.

On one hand I feel I should speak up, because I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get walked all over in this relationship. I feel that if there’s something that’s upsetting me I should tell him about it. But at the same time, his unavailability is something that he can’t help at all, and telling him that it upsets me would solve nothing and would only serve to make him more stressed out.

I’m just confused. When I told him I was going to be spending the summer in Austin I got an ecstatically happy response, lots of “yay!”s and enthusiasm over me being here this summer. But at the same time when I ask if he wants to see me, and I’m met with an answer of “I don’t care, do whatever you want to do,” it makes me begin to doubt how happy he really was.

Perhaps I’m overreacting. Perhaps this is just his exhaustion kicking in, but I feel at this point that unless I force myself over there to see him, or call him to talk to him once he’s gotten off work, I’ll never be able to see him because he doesn’t care enough to make the effort. Maybe that’s the case, maybe he’s just tired right now.

It’s frustrating though. The answer of “I don’t care” really bothers me, because I feel like he leaves it up to me to decide what’s best, and if he won’t tell me than I won’t know. I would rather him tell me “I’m going to be too tired to see you” or “I would love to see you, come on over,” but he doesn’t. He just gives me an “I don’t care, do whatever you want to do” and leaves it at that.

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-M