Ugh

So much happening.  SO much I do not want to think about.  OD seems like it is sliding into the great abyss and that makes me increadably sad.  I keep hoping that things will change, but it doesnt see that that is going to happen.  Changes are all bad these days.  Even the ones I thought were good turned into a path of horridness that I cannot even describe.  The only good change in the last year isthe birth of my daughter.  WIthout her I wouldn’t be able to hold on.  I need to figure out what direction to go, I really do.  I have lost everything holding me in place.  I am living in my sisters spare room.  I need so many things and someone to give me a path and everyone says its my job to find one.  I don’t have it in me anymore.  I can’t figure out whats next.  I have gotten this far but its just too much, I am broken.  Everyhting I care about is being ripped from me and replaced with shadows of people I thought I knew but who are at one remove.  THe only things that seem real are my son and my daughter.  I question my value even to them at this point.  If I was not breasfeeding my daughter, so she needs me every single day, multiple times, I really question if I would have anything to cling to.  All my dreams, hopes wishes, my family has been torn apart.  Today i am going to put my dog down because he is agressive with my sisters dogs.  Its just too much.  My strenght has been tested to its limit.  I can’t streatch any further, I am already snapping, crumbling apart.  Last night I made it through the night only with the help of a suicide help website.  I am sure it wont be the last of such visits either.  But I did it, I made it through the night.  And my day was looking brighter, and now it isnt.  My dog my lovely leo puppy who has gotten me through so much.  Apparently his life isn;t worth as much as my sisters dogs.  That hurts, it bothers me deep.  That my dog must be discarded and because he is a pitt, no shelter will take him, leaving me only one option.