1/1/08

thinking, cause i am not going to be able to sleep till I get this all out.  I think there were several issues that all need to be adressed, but we were making it harder to actually communicate.  Why is it we can hurt those we care about so easily?

Ok, worrying.  I am honestly not used to the idea that someone can worry and not act on it.  I have depression with a secondary anxiety disorder.  (I got to use spiffy termonalagy).  when I say I worry when you fly, I will lay awake at night going over worst case scenarios.  I have had enough councing now to identify when i am doing it, but it is almost impossible for me to break out of it without help.  so when you say you worry, I think of the same sort of worrying I do, and I would never want to put you through that over something as insignificant as a walk.  And yes, i had friends who if they saw me out walking, would stop, and either make me get in the car and take me home, or walk with me home.  So i am a little defensive about my walks.  Pullman isnt exactly a hotbed of crime and I am not really anyones ideal target so I feel fairly safe.

Annoyance.  Lots of things annoy me hun, I am irritable in general.  Hell Chewing loudly annoys me.  Dont take it horribly seriously. 

Depression… what can I say here, its a chemical imballance.  It has nothing to do with how I want to feel, or whats going on in my life for the most part.  It just happens, I can fight it, but sometimes it gets bad, and I may not realize it right away.  if you notice me trying to isolate myself, not being interested in doing things, or have a really hard time getting out of bed, those are the warning signs that things are starting to get out of control.  I promise to ask for help if I need it (strangly enough most people who are suicidal will honor a previously made promise), if you will promise to not make me feel guilty for needing the help.  if I think its gonna hurt or disappoint you, I wont be able to face it.  Please always remember that its not you, its me and something that I have been fighting since highschool.

There is one more thing… and I dont know if its you or me or a combo of both, but to some extent I dont think you would worry as much if I was a guy, and that might be why I picked a fight about it.  its probobly because the topic came up while discussing walking at night and it was drilled into my head that its not safe for a woman to walk alone at night in pullman, so i am automatically attaching it to what your saying.  Now that I am thinking about it, it wasnt fair to you and I am sorry, I should have realized that i was doing it and made the differentiation between what you were saying and what I was hearing.

I love you with all my heart darling.  I am sorry that I hurt you and made you cry (and yes I was too if you couldnt tell).  I think that the coversation would have gone much differently if we could see one another, read body language and touch.  Tell me if there is anything I can say or do to make it up to you love.  I do have one question, would it have been better if I had left and came back once I had thought things over a bit? or would that have upset you more?