12/15/07

II didnt realize how hard it was gonna be to not hear your voice or see you online hardly.  A peice of me is missing and it so bad it almost hurts.  What am i goona do?  It will be a long time before everything is figured out, but tonight I want answers, and yeah, I know you cant give them, but I still want to ask.  I even know that a majorty of the issues I am having at the moment spring from being overly tired.  I have to get some sleep, but can’t seem to.  And to top it off I have a headache from lack of caffeen because I didnt drink any coffee today because I thought it might be what was making it hard for me to sleep.  The worst part is once I start having trouble sleeping, I keep thinking about how I cant and that just makes it worse.  I have always had occasional bouts of insomnia, and the antidepressent i am on does make it worse.  But i was coping, wiht the added stress of sleeping with bryan or being asleep when he is home, I am not sure I can anymore.  and its not getting better, its getting worse (which yes, I understand and should have expected, but its a big step from knowing potential reactions to actually experiancing them). 

So here is the big issue, do I bite the bullet and take a sleeping pill while bryan takes care of soren and trust that nothing will happen, and hope i dont have nightmares that wake me up.  Or do I take option b wich is drink enough to fall asleep.  I dont like either option, but I have got to get some sleep (8 hours in the last50+ is not reasonable for anyone)  The reason the option to just drink enough to take the edge off scares me so much is because so many people in my family are alcoholics and I really dont want to go down that path. 

Its three am now and I am still musing over what to do… I want to run away