A friend..

 I think I need to start carrying my little mac book air with me most of the time. I do a lot of writing in my head that might actually make it here if I had my laptop with me. I hesitate to write at work. My brother is an IT guy for the hospital and he’s warned me more than once to be circumspect on the hospital’s internet though he has no idea I keep an online journal. Better to keep it as close to "home" as possible.

I did some realizing today. I miss having a girlfriend. Someone I can truly talk to…not just make small inane talk. Someone I could trust and value. Makes me wonder if I am somehow on the Asberger’s spectrum. I’ve never been great at making or keeping close friends. I am sometimes bewildered by the women around me..how they act, talk, react, live. I’ve no idea how to be like them and I am quite sure I don’t want to be. Yet, I am always felt..odded out. And never quite sure why.

These days…these odd weird days. I wish I had someone to ponder them out loud with. I’ve always been a happy loner and my own very good pal..but I sense the urge for more.Today I just wanted…to call someone. Someone to reassure me that I am…ok. That I’m worthy. That I am worthwhile. Valuable. Visible. Likeable. Able. I needed someone to listen. Advise. Admonish. Share. Commiserate. There really is no one. I have a Very Good Husband. I have a Truly Lovely Daughter. I have an Excellent Cousin. I have a Pretty Good Brother. I have the Best Bookclub Ever. But….no one to close the gap.

Perhaps that isn’t completely true. I can think of a couple of ladies who really do care. But I cannot trust enough to let in. And perhaps that is my own fault.

I have books. Books are my friends. My mother used to tell me that. One of the rare  wise and right things she ever said. I spent a delicious hour reading at work today when i could’ve gone home early. Instead, I sat in the break room and just read and read and read happily in the humming peace I get so very little of at home these days. It was good. Therapeutic. Still, I could’ve used a number to call. A friendly sympathetic voice on the other end.

But I have me. And will…to the end.