Wind..

 I am listening to the wind in my own ears these days and it is causing me not an insignificant amount of anxiety. Is my fear seasonal? Personal? PTSDish? Organic? Spiritual? Subconscious? Financial? Borrowed? Imagined? Nutritional? Fictional?

I just know I was driving home from the store yesterday and realized I had forgotten my cell phone. I started to panic, imagining I would find one or both children dead when I got home after leaving them to play outside with only Frank to watch them. They are so reckless, so spontaneous, so quick…Ridiculous, I know, but still those thoughts were there and present and insistent! It is happening more and more, these wicked horrible panicky thoughts. I am having trouble being by myself and enjoying it. Like I have an ogre sitting in the backseat whispering filth to me.

We hung lights yesterday. Today, I went to the baby shower of a co-worker. I kept it short, ate only one (very delicious) cake ball, and then left. As I said my good byes, the coworker  (not close) hugged me as if she meant it. Likely, she didn’t but I appreciated the effort. So little people mean their gestures genuinely. She’s truly a gorgeous pregnant woman, a perfect baby bump and not much else. Her boots looked amazing. 

Later I slammed a winter lager and listened to Leonard Cohen and Paolo Conte. Q has similar obsessive issues like me. His were regarding a toy semi truck he couldn’t find. After we found it, he couldn’t find a proper way to play with it to please his inner demon and he wailed and wailed. Cam just bounced about and ate everything in sight. He’s a happy lad and the only thing that really brings him down are my gentle but persistent attempts to wean him.

The snow is coming. I can hear it. I can feel it. And I hate it.