Making a Plan

I have been writing in my diary but keeping it private. Things seem to be a little better around here. Two good things have come out of this last contretemps. First, I have made it quite clear that unlike his ex wife, I do NOT walk on eggshells around him when he is angry and/or depressed. And the second good thing is that if I decide to leave, I have a plan of action. Actually, since we ARE talking again, I probably won’t leave, but if I do, I have a plan.

Making a plan is something that really helps me to feel better quickly. When I was seeing the Shrink Who Answers His Own Phone, we got on very well because he is also a Make A Plan kind of guy. I went to see him mainly because I was having severe anxiety attacks over the thought that I might get cancer again.

Now , statistically speaking, it IS unusual to get two primary cancers. I had renal cancer in 1998, and I guess I thought, without actually putting it into words, that that was it for cancer. I had had one that was easy to cure {whip out the kidney and there went the cancer} and that was all. So, you can imagine my feelings when in 2000, I got endometrial cancer. This also is a cancer that is relatively easy to cure {remove the reproductive organs, radiate if there is any spread to the lymph nodes and hope for the best.} But, you see, it is that “hope for the best” line that eventually got to me. Endometrial cancer spreads via the lymph nodes. I had nodes sampled in both groin areas and in the para-aortic area. There was a microscopic spread into two nodes in the left groin {which is why I had radiation} but no sign anywhere else, which is why I didnt have chemotherapy.

But endometrial cancer also moves into the lungs so every time I cough, I worry. And, about that time, my gyn-oncologist wanted me to have a colonoscopy {ULP!} for no other reason that I am over 50 and that is when one should start having them. At, at the same time, I had to make arrangements for my annual “Squash the Boobs ” test otherwise known as a mammogram. And suddenly, there I was in a full-blown state of major panic attacks… So, I went for professional help, lucked out and got to meet Terry Rabinowitz M.D. , otherwise fondly christened by me the Shrink Who Answers His Own Phone. And between us, we made a plan to cope with this anxiety. {It astarts with “1. Take an Ativan” …and works VERY well.}

So when my partner and I started having all these difficulties, I sat down and made a plan. {Oddly enough, it, too, starts with 1. Take an Ativan.} I know where I will go short term amd long term if I decide I can’t live like this. I actually think I probably won’t have to use it because we DO love each other and we want to stay together and now we are talking.

But it is a comfort to me to know the plan is there if I need it.