out loud.

It’s all poems & lists this summer, & not enough of those. I made excuses: I’ve been in my kitchen, I’ve been in my studio. There are vegetables from our CSA; am I to let them spoil? I have a deadline, I have to finish the piece; but the deadline is past, the piece is hung, the New York Times called the show "compelling", & the iPad I bought myself as a late birthday gift, my most expensive notebook, remains neglected. 

I’ve made some beautiful soups, though. An ethereal pesto. During the heat wave, there was zucchini slaw with dill & purslane, there were the tea-boiled eggs I missed from the little tea house in Las Vegas, there was cool green gazpacho. We’ve had friends over for dinner nearly half the Sunday nights this summer; I always wanted to have the home where people gathered.

The show closes at the end of the week, & the studio remains a disaster. We’re still finding glitter on the soles of our feet, no matter how many times we sweep. The reviews are good. I plan the next two pieces, although I don’t know what they’re for. Maybe the same show, next yea, or something else. Making art with a purpose beyond the making still feels new. 

Writing with a purpose: it’s been some time, for that. I used to know how. I was offered a column. I’ve delayed starting it for six weeks already. I’m tired of hesitation. 

Getting what you want: it seems to be about asking for it. I wanted a garden. I wanted more light, & better curtains for it to come through. I wanted health insurance. I wanted to be desired. I wanted to fall hard. I wanted a yellow kitchen, a kitchen aid mixer, someone to put their hands on my hips while I did the dishes. I wanted more money. I wanted to go on Friday night dates with whomever I wanted. I wanted to always come home. I wanted to make my own pickles, my own popsicles, someone else’s lunch each morning. I wanted a different schedule. I wanted to make more art, & I wanted to do something with it. I wanted pretty bras. I wanted to love my body fiercely. I wanted to feel grateful every night I fall asleep with her.

These things are mine. I asked for them. Some I made, & some just came.

& now, I want more. I want to write more. I’m asking for it.

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August 24, 2011

wonderful wonderful…I hope you get all the great things you request…and more!

August 24, 2011

I got everything I wanted, my perfect family of three. Then I saw babies in the clouds again and knew there was one more thing I needed…. I’m glad you’ve got it all, I hope you get the more as well.

August 24, 2011

sometimes, we forget to dream

August 25, 2011

Are you really here? Is this really you? It’s been so long that I can’t be sure yet. Please do write more.

August 25, 2011

love you

August 25, 2011

holy ****.

August 26, 2011

Holy moly. I’ve been waiting for a post from you, dearheart. I love tales of your cooking adventures. I want more of this. Oh yes. Missed you.

September 2, 2011

many smiles and hugs! so delightful to hear all is well! hope to hear more soon! xxxx,

i miss you. i still think of you.