answered.

las vegas has been home for over two years now. i finally know my way around, and strangely, this is comforting. there are still a million places i want to live, but the list can wait a few more months, another year. there are enough reasons to hold me here for a little while.

i love my apartment. it’s the first place that i’ve made feel like home since my house in augusta. i have a bedroom i share with the girl i love, and i even gave her half my closet space. i have an office, painted pale blue-green, and yes, i still write. i’ve been working on poetry lately; i was asked to apply to the sewanee writer’s conference, in the poetry category, and may go this summer– we’ll see. my paintings are hanging on the walls, and our books are everywhere. coming home feels good, and while we go out sometimes, it’s more likely you’d find us cuddled up in bed reading, or in the living room watching sex and the city while she’s making a scarf and i’m making christmas ornaments.

i graduate from culinary school in march; the obligations already stacking up for this next term are horrifying, but i’m ready to work hard and get out of there. we’ve altered my schedule as much as possible to prepare me for writing about food rather than just cooking it. i’m going to go back and finish my english degree, starting this summer, but i’ve already started freelancing. i had my first piece of culinary journalism published in november. it was small, but it was a real magazine (circulation 200,000), albeit local, and it was glossy, and there was MY NAME. all glossy. i felt so cool.

i’ve been stripping for almost a year, now, and i still love it. i have some amazing friends, and i love the club i’m contracted with; they treat me like a real human being, and that goes far in this business. i have more self-respect and a better self-image than i did a year ago, and i really think it’s because of dancing. if i need a break, i take it. it fits my schedule better than anything else would. i wish i could explain what it feels like to be up there under all those lights, but i don’t know where to begin. it’s amazing. my stage name is angel.

between work and school and girl, i stay pretty busy. side projects, however, include: attempting to keep my site (heartsandstars.net) updated, launching a site for my 100 poems/100 days project (see it at 100poems.net!), and artartart. lots of paintings (large, acrylic, abstract), plenty of strange little things (gypsy mirror, rice paper christmas ornaments, mirror and glass bead mobiles), and scarves (woven, very textured, fabulous).

my hair is long and auburn with little highlights. fairly boring, but there are moments i need to look "presentable" and "adult" these days. i’m thinking i might do a little bit of magenta when i graduate, though. one final fling with manic panic. this whole "presentable" and ‘adult" thing seems to be a recurring theme. my mother visited in october, and said i’m the most grounded she’s ever seen me, the most stable. and yes. the happiest. for the most part, she’s right. my life always has it’s rough edges and sharp corners and strange little rips and tears, but i’m doing well. most of the puzzle pieces are in place, and if there are a few missing, it’s probably because my cat ate them.

she eats everything.

i think the important question to answer is this– what changes did i make to make myself so happy?

i decided i didn’t have time for the bullshit. i was tired of the emotional loose ends i’d left everywhere for the past few years, was tired of the dating/makeout scene, was tired of drama. i saw something good, and wanted it, and knew that i could have it– but that if i wanted a chance to keep it, i’d have to let go of a lot. so i did.

her name is jackie, short for jacklyn. she works as a dolphin trainer and is finishing up her bachelor’s in psychology. she owns all six seasons of sex and the city, cuddles well, and is willing to put up with me. it’s been about seven months now, and things are still good. she is smart and interesting and cute and actually likes to read, and i . . . . yeah. i love her.

i’m leaving tonight for north carolina, to celebrate the holidays with my dad’s side of the family. in case i don’t get back here for a little while . . . happy holidays, loves. i hope you’re well.

-m.