Mixed feelings

I’m not feeling as sad anymore. I realized when someone asked me if I was still sad, that my answer had changed from "Everyday I feel sad" to "Most days I feel sad" to "Occasionally I feel sad". The depth of sadness only changes slightly; in that I can often ‘control’ my tears from falling at times when it isn’t socially appropriate (ie at work), but it is still quite intense despite this abilty to try and stifle it when necessary. I still feel irritated most days, with people who I rudely feel are ‘wasting my time’ (basically anyone who tries to make small talk when really I just want them to go away and leave me alone and not talk to me about anything… work people, at the new job I’ve only been at for a few months, not friends or anything!) I just don’t have a lot of patience for superficial concerns from others. I guess its part of the healing process, to feel that what I’m going through is so much deeper and bigger than anyone else’s small talk when really I should realize that I’m not that special, or unique, or that deserving of carrying this grieving mother title that I feel thrust, undesired into my hands. I saw a friends’ 14 weeks belly shot on facebook today, and it was hard to look at. To think, I had a baby belly like that, and so many people never knew we were even expecting, and so many don’t know we’ve lost her, and the whole experience becomes just so friggin isolating. I’m working on it, its certainly not an attitude I’m proud of, to be tired of anyone who doesn’t know and says things that hurt even though they have no way of knowing that the things they say would hurt.  I read a quote, something along the lines of "Be careful how you treat others- you never know what fight they might also be fighting" and I’m trying to bring more patience to mind when small talkers grate on my nerves… It is good to feel less sad, but to have it replaced with irritability, frustration and anger isn’t all that much more fun to experience.

Becoming a mother has been one of the few things I thought would come naturally to me, that hasn’t. There are so many things I’ve been able to do easily that really were just luck more than true determination or will or capability; I certainly don’t think my life qualifies as overly demonstrative of human potential for excellence (yet ;0) )

I wish it weren’t so, for myself and for others. I wish I weren’t so cranky but at the same time, it is what it is and perhaps I just have to feel this way to continue moving forward. All I try to do to get by is to stay positive when I can, feel hurt when I can and let it out so it doesn’t stay inside and poision my spirit. Tomorrow is always a new day.

FGirl