On being married *EDIT

 I wrote this in reply to a friend, newly married this past September, who knew what I had been going through this past week, and wrote to me saying "Isn’t being married fun?"… We are close friends, she however doesn’t ever want children and has admittedly said she doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I didn’t want to sound condescending or rude, but I felt I needed to be true to what I was feeling in how I responded, as we have that kind of friendship. Here’s what I wrote in reply:

"Well, being married comes into great reflection at both the first anniversary, and with the week from hell we had just prior to it. Im down to crying once or twice a day only, so hopefully that is progress. Jack is super supportive through this, its hard for him, his body hadn’t changed and now he’s not really experiencing the dissolution of those happy changes, and his hormones are all still the same- he just has a really sad wife who he wants to help but not much but time helps us through this… The rose in my profile picture on fbook someone sent in a bouquet to comfort us, its my screen saver and has been helping me to focus on other mornings to come that will be happier than my last week of mornings… (which I originally appropriately typoed ‘mournings’)

*sigh*

Anyways, what I’m trying to impart is, in this great journey of the world and life, it is no small comfort to have one with you who is there for you, and for the ‘us’ that you are- there is nobody else like it. We share with each other, laugh together, grow together. Its like a beloved sibling in a way, who has a shared history, only so much more of the focus of the relationship is on the present moment and plans for the future, whereas siblings hold mostly the memories of your past from childhood.

Suffice to say, being married has been one great ‘project’ of sorts and hopefully becoming something that will stand the test of time and trials. I can only wish as much happiness and love to all of my friends whether it be in marriage or long term love. I love him more deeply and in a different way than even one or two years ago- and without ‘us’ I would most certainly be bereft for a long time."
 

I then went on to add that I wanted to share some of the complicated feelings that go along with both love and loss when they become intertwined in such a close fashion as the loss of our beloved baby and the bittersweet celebration of our first wedding anniversary three days later and that I hoped she would understand that I wasn’t meaning to sound on the defensive/offensive to her comment, but that I owed it to her as a long time good friend to share what I really was feeling in response to her question.

FGirl

K’s response:

"Don’t be silly – your emotions are coming through your words and I understand what you’re saying. (You don’t need to worry about how you come across with me .anyway.) There is nothing in the world like the bond between a mother and her child – even one she has never met – and it is difficult for even those closest to you to understand, I think. That said, I also understand what you mean about the marriage/long-term love bond. We feel just the same now we’re married, which I expected, but it makes me look forward to the future even more, the slow growing of our love and understanding. A sudden feeling of difference after one day and a metal ring would almost feel like cheating, really. Life is about getting through things together and experiencing it all as best you can together, day by day.

One of our wedding cards contained the following quotation which I’ve always thought captured this idea well: “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” It is a kind of…shared space where you’re not quite one – because you’re still two different people – but you are one at the same time. That must be true love. It’s a refuge and a comfort above everything else. You can just…“be” together. This is a solid foundation to build a life on – and both of us are lucky to have it. I remember a few conversations about this when we lived together, and I’m so glad you found it and are sure of it. Jack is amazing.

I am often thinking of you and hoping that with every day things are a little bit easier. You have my love and support from afar. Keep taking care of yourself."

Im so glad to have such good friends.

FGirl