Today is somebody’s birthday…

Baby girl W****** (our last name) grew wings today. I’m so sorry baby, that you weren’t able to be here with us. But I’m okay, I know you need to be somewhere where you won’t hurt or feel anything but peace. There were several moments where I caught myself thinking ‘This is really happening… ‘ Quite surreal.

I of course asked for two extra doses of midazolam, to try and gain some of the amnesic effects. They gave me one extra. I think all things considered a general anesthetic would be physically harder to recover from, but the being awake through everything wasn’t all that pleasant to experience. The drugs definitely helped to keep the panic out of my throat.

The nurses and my OB were so kind. I realized the room was full of women who were feeling for our loss, yet their actions were directly helping me get through to the other side of it all at the same time.

I don’t feel robbed of anything, except a chance to have been a Momma to this baby. I know I will be again, I sort of feel like I was a Momma to this baby already for the past 3 and a half months: all the talking, hoping, dreaming, eating well, trying to exercise, trying not to puke up those precious prenatal vitamins. Those are things Moms just do, right?

On our way to the hospital this morning, still pregnant, I saw a lady with a "Happy Birthday" balloon in her car, happily bouncing and full of helium. I thought "Huh, I guess today is somebody’s birthday"… then realized, why yes, it is somebody’s birthday. My somebody’s birthday. And I wasn’t overly sad, just hit with the realization that this is something I couldn’t have had control over, it just happened, and the universe decided it long before I knew how things were going to unfold. Just as the universe saw it fit to remind me that yes, I was sad today, but life is not over because of the ending we are presented with- life continues, in other ways.

The hospital offers three options for the babies afterwards. Private funeral, medial incineration or cremation in a memory garden. I asked if I could have my baby taken to the memory garden, but not have to go there- I know we won’t live here forever, and I want to remember her alive and well- this way when we move I will always know a piece of our past lives on in the flowers and butterflies of the garden. It makes it just that little bit easier, I guess.

I’ve been awake during the night many times for the past few weeks, unable to rest. The other night, I awoke and was reading some blogs when I came across a website for customized silver jewelery. I chose this piece, on the front the word ‘love’, on the back the words ‘baby dust’. I hope to not have to explain the back of it to others who might notice the front message, but hope I’ll always know what’s written there, just for my own memory. http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/bracelets/open-circle-bracelet.html

We will try again, when we feel up to it. I don’t really feel a need to wait too long, but am going to do the grief work as best I know how.

And so, I continue coming here, where I can do just that.

FGirl