I’m getting tired of the new baseline.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this. Its not that I don’t love Jack, its that I do. I can’t help but think about him being gone, about how to find a new normal, about how to try and do things that I like because I know I’ll feel better if I go out, or go to the gym or do my readings on time for class. I’m just not strong enough to keep it all together. I’m sad, and lonely, and crying.

I keep thinking its not like I can’t live my life on my own; its not like he is my entire reason for being, but I’m just so SAD that he isn’t here. The best way to explain it is that I’m grieving. I’m grieving for my old life, the one that had Jack in it, the one that is on hold for six months. SIX MONTHS. I am moving forward in my area, but he and I are just where we were the day he left. He put a picture of a minefield he passed by on facebook. A FUCKING MINEFIELD!?!? He tries to tell me on our thrice weekly MSN chats that he is safe, that I have nothing to worry about, and the images I see on facebook are of signs warning of MINE FIELDS? MINE FIELDS KILL PEOPLE YOU FUCKING MORON! PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND THEN I’LL REALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT! I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM YOU IN THREE DAYS AND YOU POST A PICTURE OF A MINE FIELD THAT YOU SAW IN AFGHANISTAN ON FACEBOOK?!?!

I leave him messages whenever I sign into MSN even though his day is 12 hours ahead of mine and he’s not online. He never replies to these. I forward emails to him of things that family send to me wishing him support and sending their love. He never replies to these. I send care packages. He does not send anything even though he has the internet and could have easily had flowers delivered to the house, or a card sent, or SOMETHING to commemorate our 5 year anniversary this past weekend. SOMETHING FOR CHRIST SAKES THAT TELLS ME YOU’RE ALIVE. THAT WE’RE ALIVE. THAT ALL THIS PAIN IS BECAUSE YOU’RE REAL AND WE’RE REAL.

"Oh he’s busy you know, he’s at war, you can’t expect him to write to you all the time" One message when I’m offline is asking too much?

"Oh he’s starting missions now, he’ll be more distant". So because he’s dealing with his heavy shit, I should expect to deal with my and our heavy shit alone back home?

"Oh I’m sure he thinks about you, he’s just a boy and doesn’t think about sending you messages unless you’re right there" Oh really? So I should think that its a good trait to make a life partner out of someone who forgets to make actions towards me when I’m not around even though he knows those little actions would make a big difference to me and to my day and cost him MINUTES of his precious time when he’s online READING COMICS, POSTING TO FACEBOOK and CHATTING ON MSN with EVERYONE ELSE WHO DOESN’T WORK 12 HOUR SHIFTS, SECOND JOBS, GET A MASTERS DEGREE AND MANAGE THE HOUSE ON HER OWN?

"Oh I’m sure you two will talk and he’ll tell you everything when he gets back, some things are better in person and not over MSN" So you first assume he is coming back and you second assume that a couple can survive six months of this kind of a separation, this kind of life changing role changing event and not have a huge transition in their relationship as a result?

I feel like there’s no going back. I feel like where he is now, where I am now, how sad this all is, is an accumulation of all the happiness I’ve had for the past five years being repaid in spades. Are we going to survive this? Am I going mad to be thinking that I thought I could do this and its harder than I ever thought? I really never thought I needed him this much, I didn’t. And now that I’m faced with living a mini-reality of life without him for half a year, I just can’t bear the idea that it could one day hurt worse than THIS.

FGirl