The Stuff of Dreams- 11

Dream (?) this morning…

I’m waiting for Jack, but he’s not coming, or att least, that’s the gut feeling I have. There’s something to be said about intuition in this case. I’m somewhere dark and quiet, while everyone else is prepared for the ceremony. We’re supposed to be getting married in a few hours, and here I stand, without a dress or flowers. Why didn’t I get a dress before the wedding day? Yet, I don’t seem too concerned about that.

You’d think I’d be more upset about this, being the A-type planner that I am, not to mention how picky I am about clothing.

Jack calls. He says "They did a number on me" and that the wedding is off. There isn’t much more explanation. I’m left asking "Who did a number on you?" but then the conversation ends. I’m saddened- I thought we were different. I thought we were the ones who would make it, that the legacy of divorce wouldn’t be our reality. I’m left holding the other shoe, the one I’ve known my whole life would be the one to fall one day. It was always a question of when, not if. The thought "You can only count on one person- yourself" rings in my ears. I feel sad for losing my life in Alberta, working on my masters, the home we’ve built, yet my feelings don’t examine the loss of him, or of our love. Is that really where my priorities lie?

Is that really where my priorities lie? Am I really so unskilled at true intimacy that I block out the real opportunities to depend on someone else in a healthy way?

Chris calls, he’s been hanging out at home with his parents. He hears my news, and says that he will marry me. If I go to the store and get a dress, he will bring a ring and meet me at the altar. Off we go (me and some friends… but I can’t remember who now, certainly not friends of recent memory) to find a dress. There are rows of cheap cotton frocks, around the $50 range, but nothing suits. Strangely, a purple backed bodice dress with green flowing skirt catches my eye. There is a keyhole style back and shapely bodice that flatters me. I decide to buy it, after all it matches perfectly with the green satin shoes I’m wearing.

If I ever wear a green and purple wedding dress, or a green and purple dress for any occasion, please feel free to hunt me down and cover me with a sheet.

We go to get married, Chris and I, even though I know he’s living in Guelph now and already married to another girl named Heather from my hometown. I briefly think: "But, he’s not as cute as Jack, and he doesn’t really have much to say that is really intellectually stimulating. How can I be choosing less than what I really want?" Of course I don’t say anything at the time, but later, I tell him I can’t marry him. That it’s too much too fast. That I was sad and confused and I’m sorry I wasted his time. Strangely, he understands and fades from the foreground.

Jeez, I haven’t thought of Chris in forever. I’m glad he found a match and is happily married- I knew early on that I couldn’t be that for him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still love him though. Perhaps my subconscious was just trying to remind me of that time and that love?

Jack finally shows up, and he brings this hideous ring with him. It has a blue sapphire on one side, and a diamond on the other side, with garnet coloured curly ribbons of metal that hang three feet long. He asks me to take him back, that he made a mistake, that he thought we were just too ordinary but now he knows he was mistaken. Anita from work is sitting nearby, in her glorious 300 pounds, and she tells him what a loser he is, and how he’s missed his chance and has to leave.

I’m not even really friendly with Anita- she’s one of those kind of people who can’t be trusted, like a badly behaved little dog- one minute your best friend and the next she’s causing you trouble for the satisfaction it brings her.

Jack leaves. And I wake up.

Bloody disturbing dream. Maybe I’m worried that we’ll never get married? That the diamonds we have in waiting on the bedroom dresser are a sick joke and he has no intention of proposing any time soon. It’s sad that the diamonds make me think that way- after all, we have filled out the official paperwork with the millitary and are recognized as spouses there, as well as under common-law statutes within Canada. We’ve both said we are paying for the house, school, car and so can’t afford to throw a $20,000 party for ourselves right now. So why do those little sparkly stones tease me still? I should be happy with my documented committment. Yet the sparkly stones, sitting on the dresser since February, taunt me still.

I spent Jack’s engagement gift money on a downpayment for a car. He spent his wedding savings on an RRSP back in early March. *sigh* Maybe we’re just too bloody practical for our own good?

Firecracker Girl