No rollercoaster here

I’m at work again- only this time it’s OT at the new job, instead of feeling overtired and frustrated working regular pay at the old job. Do you hear me complaining to get paid almost twice as much to do a job I like better than what I used to do for half the pay? I didn’t think so.

Today I ran into one of the docs who heard I was leaving the old unit. His face fell, he paused for a while and said "Its our loss and their gain to have you". I was really surprised- I mean, I had amicable and even friendly relationships with most of the PICU docs- but to take the time to say that, well, I’m just not used to hearing that kind of positive feedback. I guess I really do think of myself as "just a nurse" most of the time. Granted it wasn’t a specific complement per se, but to hear that you’re valued seems a compliment nonetheless. The other nurses here have been really supportive- I have to learn everyone’s name! It seems disrespectful when they remember little stories I’ve told about my life, my man etc, and I can’t even remember what their name is. I needed help when I did a 12 lead ECG on a kid today (17 days old, was wiggling up a storm and just as one of the stickers would be placed correctly he’d wiggle the other one off and I’d have to keep starting over) and I couldn’t remember any of the nurses names who were nearby- looks really professional to yell "Hey, you!" across the unit (no, I didn’t do that… I just said "Can you help me?" and pointedly tried to get one of the other nurses attention ;0) ) Here you work on a rotation- so I’ll be more likely to work with the same people, and their staff is smaller than the 140 some odd working in PICU. Hopefully I’ll get them down before too long!

The patient I’ve been assigned to the past few shifts is absolutely adorable. He has a rare heart condition that hopefully we can fix- but prior to coming in he had decompensated at home and was admitted with a blood pH of 6.8. For those of you not in health care, that’s what the industry terms a test result that’s "incompatible with life". I’m hopnig it wasn’t that low for too long- and today, when we saw he was breathing on his own above life support and opening his eyes, I hoped for the best that he wouldn’t have taken too big of a hit. There have been other babies go through this unit who had near death experiences and they have that vacant, nobody home look to them- unable to feed, unable to see, unable to do more than occasionally moan. So sad. If only quality of life had an endpoint that wasn’t such a grey area. Anyways, this little guy is doing well! He uses his eyes to visually track, he successfully breast fed less than two days after nearly dying (or a "LTE" in the biz = life threatening event so as to use the acronym and not scare bystanders overhearing the conversation) and seems like if the hit he took was anything, it was a mild one. You cannot imagine the ownership I take over that feeling- even if I had nothing to do with his recovery. It’s like we say around here "These babies continue to do well despite what we do to them". Strange that the little creatures can be so fragile and so fierce at the same time. I wish there were more happy endings like this.

The grandmother has asked me so many questions- and in answering them, I feel I’m just doing my job. I like teaching, I like helping people understand things. I’ve shown her diagrams etc. = because she asked for them, not because I felt a need to fulfill some sort of self teaching desire. Anyways, she thanked me today, said that I had reinforced her faith in nurses and that she thought I should stay in my job because I was good at it and it made me happy. Rather than have chocolates or candy, these compliments are the best thankyou any patient could give.

On the topic of chocolate. *sigh* I find it increasingly frustrating to be at work for 12 hours a shift. Include that I work on average 4-6 days a week (I’m trying to save for school and trips) it makes it really hard to get to the gym. I’ve even fallen asleep on my bike ON THE ROAD! when trying to get a workout in after a 12 hour shift. I wish I could have this same work with an 8 hour rotation- I’d never need to look elsewhere. At least I’ve been able to get exercise in about three to four times a week, but I remember when I could get more in, how great it felt, to be drenched in sweat- oh the endorphins! So excellent. It’s strange- without the highs and lows of uncertainty and ‘finding’ myself in my early 20s, I seek hobbies to feel like the ‘best’ self- and to have it limited to a few hours a week when I’m already overtired is sadly not sustainable.

So what’s my goal then? Well, working on the Masters degree, working on travelling during my summers off, working on overtime shift pickups to help pay for said school and travel… and hopefully not running out of time for the things that really matter.

I’m glad I feel like my job matters again these days. I’m glad that I live somewhere where the sun shines so often (even if it’s mostly cool out). I’m glad that I have so much to look forward to, as well as so much to enjoy right now. Yet there’s still that little piece of me that worries- am I having so much fortune now, because there is much struggling to come? Can anyone really be authentically happy so much of the time? Am I just fortunate these days?

Anyways. That’s today’s lack of drama.

Firecracker Girl+

*almost wondering if I should rethink this name- I am still fiery but in more of a smoldering sort of a way these days.