Long time silent..

It has been far, far too long since I’ve written anything. I’ve been in what is almost a mental rut, and it’s odd that something that DarkRen and I were doing yesterday, which was picking up on a story type thing we were working on about the time that my last entry posted, should prompt me to write again.

Time seems to be a bit of a blur for me lately. There’s good and bad in my new job, the good is that I have a wonderful supervisor and manager, who are both very supportive. The bad part is that I don’t like my job. Being a collector for a bank is not easy, not when I’ve been on the other side of the phone. Hearing some of the situations that people are going through really hurts when I cannot help them, but instead can only try to come up with other things they might not think of, to help get money from them.

Usually people respond well to me, occasionally I’ve had some people really angry, some downright vicious. Some who start off wanting to be offensive, have turned out to calm down and respond, even if they cannot pay anything, or even know when they can, start thinking of options, that I can only hope helps them with their life in the future.

What is sad is that I cannot follow up on these situations, one was so traumatic that I was almost in tears.. and it hurt so much that I could not follow up, I could not see how she is doing later. When the call ended, and throughout that weekend, I was in tears quite frequently over it. Wishing desperately there were something I could do, but I knew that by law I am prevented from helping after that call. And yet, her life, her turmoil.. she’s made an impression on me, that is lasting, even now. I still wish desperately I could call on that account again, just to see how she’s doing, but the random dialer is the only one who will determine that.

And that’s for when I go back to work

For the present, I’m temporarily out of work, not out of a job, but having back pain that is increasing. In ’93 I had two herniated disks, what it appears according to the physical therapist that I am going to, is that more are herniating, pinched nerve problem that she doubts can be healed, but we’re trying, regardless. I really, truly do not want to face surgery. Not after watching my mom struggle with several surgeries, including some just to go in for complications with scar tissue.

My decision to leave my old employer was a good one, the right time for it. Right after I left, they cut benefits down, stopped all future pay raises. The contract that I was on, ends in December, only a few people are left, as some look to go to other contracts in the company or to be laid off. Although for many, that would mean taking a drastic cut in pay, along with the knowledge there would not be another raise. So in leaving, it was a good decision, and the bank I work for is definitely strong, I would not need to worry about such an event happening here.

Right now I’m on temporary disability, struggling with red tape and people not getting forms to me, not giving me the information I need, so I do not have any idea when I will receive any income. On the upside, however, is that my supervisor is very impressed with my work, seeing how hard I struggled to improve, and after I’ve been in my current position for over a year, she will do her best to help me transfer to another department, away from the phones.

Both she and her manager are very understanding with my present health issues, so much so that I am conflicted, whether I would still remain in my present position, knowing I have such supportive bosses, then to go to another department where it may not be the same.

And then there’s the more personal issues..

In my last entry, which I changed to favorites only, I discussed my mother remarrying. I felt hurt and betrayed, on behalf of my father, due to the type of man I could see that he was. But nothing I said made any impact, and it was uncanny to hear the same type of dialogue occur between my mother and I, but from the opposite side. A couple of weeks ago, I spoke to my mother, when her husband was gone overnight to a sleep clinic, she could be candid with me for a prolonged period of time, not having to worry that he might come into the room to overhear or see what she or I typed.

To say she is miserable, would be an understatement. What is even more ironic is that she married a man so like my ex-husband, that even the things they say are almost identical. She finds it amazing as well, because she just did not see what he was like until after the fact. The one man she detested in her life was my ex-husband, and I think she just was too desperate to not be alone, to realize what she was getting herself into. Now, she finds herself living where she is very unhappy, with a man who completely ignores her, unless he wants something from her. He ignores her health, while complaining of his own. He tells her all the time to be quiet. He is very condescending and arrogant, completely self-absorbed, the diametric opposite of my father.

My mother did not wish to be alone, especially with her failing health, and now she is even more alone than she was before. When she lived in this state, she had friends all around who would have dropped anything to help her. Now she has no one to rely on. She has also found out what I told her beforehand, that it is possible to be married, and be more alone, than if living alone.

My brother moved back east when she remarried, he’d lived one state away until then. But with our mother remarried, he felt he was free then to live where he wished for his own family.

He has offered to assist her, but she is drawn to return to where she lived before, where her friends are. I can completely understand that, it’s why I had her give me almost all of her furniture, so that if it did not work out with him, she would have all of her things back. I care not about the furniture I gave away, all I care about is that she’s safe again.

I feel helpless in this, not being able to do anything practically speaking, to help her, beyond having her things here. It hurts so deeply to know that if I’d but said more, maybe I could have helped her avoid this mess, but she truly thought she could change him, that they could grow to have something special. And I hate remembering how blind I was, when I said the same thing to her, realizing now how helpless she felt. I was just so sure I knew better.

Then there’s P. P and I have been friends for quite some time and we talk frequently. He met someone recently that was a few years older than he, not a model beauty, but intelligent. He pursued her relentlessly, they broke up three times, but he always pursued reuniting with her. When they finally called it quits, he did to her what he did to me, saying something that was completely unnecessary, but as a punishment, something she has no control over, something she will not easily forget. In the last two days he has called to discuss this with me and two days ago I found myself hanging up on him. The cruel things he can say at times, without care that he does so, reminded me quite a bit of the past and how that hurt. I tried explaining it to him, but he is too full of his own self-assurance to hear that, resenting that I would not agree with him.

I think most of all though, right now, I am just battling my own discouragement. I’m afraid, of what is happening, and ashamed at being a coward. I’ve gone through much worse.. much much worse. So why is this any different? Why am I letting it get to me so much? I hate self-pity and I fight it as best I can, I try not to discuss it because I do not wish to burden others with having to hear it, day in and day out. So I’ve kept silent here, because it really does get old.

I’m not really sure of the reason of why I wrote, other than that I felt I should, after so much time. I know it’s not good that I isolate myself as much as I have, and for that, I do apologize, especially to those I have been there for in the past, but have disappeared, for all intents and purposes.