Silent Tears

I have a friend here, Karalys, who has recently joined OD. I have known this amazing woman for several years now, a chance meeting that led to many talks, sharing of the heart and mind and soul, one that is a sister of my heart and that I value tremendously.

Since I was not writing or checking notes very frequently, she had to send me email to let me know that she’d signed up, and when I went to her diary, I found an entry dedicated to me.

I cannot even begin to describe how that affected me.. I read it and wept, re-read and could not stop weeping, so many things she said that floored me, it has taken this long to even begin to think of writing an entry in turn.

When I was going through surgery, there were flowers from two. One from Karalys and another from one who had been a brother in this role play game we both were involved in. It’s odd.. what one doesn’t receive from family in truth, one can find in family that one never expected. Of course, my mother brought flowers and the boyfriend I had at the time, brought some just before I was discharged.. though I think that was more because he felt guilty that he had thought of leaving while I was recovering from surgery, yet they did mean a lot.

This wasn’t the only time that she sent me flowers. The following Valentines Day I received a delivery and again.. speechless to find some from her, along with a stuffed bear that I am not ashamed to say that I kept with me when I slept. It just touched my heart deeply that she would think to do this, for someone she had not yet met in person.

She came up to where I live on a business trip and I was scared to meet her. In her entry of meeting me, she mentioned this. Yes.. I was scared.. not of her, but of myself. I feared that she would be disappointed in the reality of me.

In this game she and I played in, a game that had been such a huge part of my life for several years, I have yet to even talk of it here.. and I’m not quite sure why. I played an empath on that game, someone who healed, someone who cared.. and for many years, this character I played, Erefayna, was able to express and be all that I wished I could be in truth.

For many years I felt that she healed a part of me that I feared could never exist. Yet, I killed her off just under 3 years ago. A part of me died with her, the part of me that had courage and comfort to give others. I think since then I have scrambled to find that part of me, but it seems truly lost.

Pieces of my life that I cannot even find any longer. Pieces that are scattered, like a jigsaw puzzle that a whirlwind tears apart. I do not know where she is, I do not even know if I would recognize her if I saw her again.. and yet she was such a huge part of me, that I had dared to create, dared to nurture, dared to hope with.

Much of that had to do with an unwise choice, falling in love with one online that I never did meet. For several years, I poured all I was into this relationship, promises of meetings that never happened.. once the day before I was to fly to meet him, he cancelled at the last moment. I still pushed aside doubts others had, believing in him, intrinsically. It wasn’t until I was faced with incontrovertible evidence, and his own admission, that I realized I had made a huge mistake in giving such trust. He and I resolved differences, were able to regain a friendship, but.. I could no longer allow myself to believe in dreams of love.

Now, I find myself shut away, afraid of people, afraid of groups, afraid of going out in public. It is not just Karalys that I feared, it was being in public in general. Even just going to the dentist Friday, I sat in the chair while two students worked on me, talking to each other, and all I could do was sit there and cry silently. I could not even understand why I was crying, no matter how hard I tried to control it, they still came through.

At work, I’m fine.. but then I have known these people for 3 years. When I go out alone on a day that I have off, I hurry home, because I do not want to be out in public.. it is a bit easier if I am with another. I didn’t used to be this way, I didn’t use to have such fear, nor did I give into it as easily as I do now. I fight it, with all I am, but still it remains, still it impedes.

I do have one friend that I love deeply, but it is a ‘safe’ love. One that cannot be returned, not in a sense of romance. Yet, there is care and love there, between the two of us. While I shall not find that ‘soul-mate’, that ‘dream-love’, I do have love, companionship, trust. I count myself fortunate to have that, as well as with another friend that I can spend time with, another who is soul-weary, heart-sore, one who wishes so to have that type of love in his life, and I hope someday he can find her. These two men in my life, they take such good care of me, and I count my blessings daily that they are in my life.

Recently, I was able to see my niece A., she who I have such deep respect, admiration and hope for. She flew up to visit my mom for a week and after a couple days there, we had not had a chance to talk, just the two of us. The night before I was to leave, I asked for time, perhaps it wasn’t the best advice I could give, but of all the things in my heart that I hope for her, it is that she never become like me, that she does not make the mistakes I made. She reminds me so much of what I might have been like, were I to have grown up during the same time she did. We have many similarities, interests, hobbies.. yet she is so much more talented than I, open and carefree, I pray that she never loses that.

I have so much inside that I would like to write, but I am weary of the angst, weary of the pain, and so much of what is inside is what I have already written, to regurgitate it would serve little purpose.

Tears do not come as frequently as they once did. Usually they happen when I least expect them. Usually I am calm, quiet.. not even thinking as much as I used to. I suppose it is mostly drifting, days, weeks and months pass so swiftly now.. I suppose that means I’m getting old.