And so it goes..

A bit over a year later and at work, we come full circle again. A year ago I was furloughed, the contract I was on.. ended, about 150 people laid off before that point. I was one of the very few to last until the bitter end, and two weeks later, returned to start the contract I am on now.

There are several contracts in this building, various vendors who use our services. One we knew would be leaving within a few months; their last day was Mother’s Day. A mere handful has been moved to other contracts, the rest left to stand in the subdued lines of the unemployed.

Ironically enough, another contract will end soon, though their last day will be Father’s Day. At least on these two contracts, they were given more than two weeks notice, before the work is moved out of the country as well.

One we did not expect was told yesterday morning, they have two weeks left; at least their last day is not a holiday, just the Friday before Memorial Day.

But the biggest surprise was hearing that a fourth contract ended abruptly, everyone was walked out first thing in the morning, managers and all.

Last year the whispers, the rumors, the uncertainty and tension ran high amongst us all. Those who have survived various contracts are settled as much as is possible, knowing that all one can do is drift along until the final day, to ensure that we will have the benefits of unemployment as well.

Just over a year ago, many left us to join another company. Gleefully informing those who remained what a better choice they made. A few short months later, the company went out of business, they without benefits now while we still muddle through.

What is the most difficult of this, is knowing that there are a few a bit higher than we, who know more than they are allowed to discuss. I am sure this is to try to lessen anxiety, to avoid more rumor and unease, yet knowing that there is information being hidden from us, does not allow us to trust the voicemail message given by our manager that there is nothing to be concerned of, that our jobs are secure.

Those directly under him are the ones who whisper, the ones who show the most stress, the ones that if someone is near and overhears, can obtain information that they worry of unemployment when speaking to a loved one on their cell phone.

I have mixed feelings on this. When I wrote this 3 days ago, I did not know that the lease on our building would expire at the end of the year. Gossip is that all contracts will go to Canada by then.. but again, it is all gossip.

So it would appear that in a few months, whether I am comfortable in my current employment or not, I will have to find a new path. But it is at the minimum a few weeks away, and as has happened in the past, I will survive it, I am not nearly as panicked as I had been just over a year ago.

The above I wrote three days ago while I was working, more changes on the following day that I was focused on.

I have a new roommate, a woman that has suffered much in life, abuse that no woman, or person, should have to face. Her family in denial and refusing to believe that she suffered at all, or that she did not deserve it. Or perhaps they are broken themselves, that they cannot fathom that abuse is not a normal life occurrence that one must accept, for appearance sake. I know not, all I do know is that I could not sit by and let one be abused, not when I could offer a solution, an escape, a safe haven.

I fear though that the sedentary life I lead will be an adjustment for her and for me. I am not one to go out; I prefer to hide away.. where it is safe, where there are no others about.. where I can feel peaceful. I am used to being alone; I am used to not speaking too much. I worry that I will bore her considerably, due to not being that talkative.

I am more used to speaking in IM’s or writing, yet anyone who has read me for any length of time can attest that I am a ‘hit or miss’ type of individual. There are times that I will note frequently, only to seemingly fall off the face of the earth for some time. Moments when I will feel the need to write and moments when writing would take more strength than I have inside.

To face ‘life’ is a task that seems insurmountable. I do not wake looking forward to the day; I do not seize the moment, because moments that have passed have taken so much from me.

When I started the diary, I had hoped that purging memories and the past would help me move forward. I had such good intentions; I really thought it would be healing. Except now.. they are just ‘out there’.. they are visual, not merely memorable. I can re-read them at times and nod, remembering the time I wrote them.. or even at times being surprised because I cannot remember sitting here typing the words.

Whatever the case, I do not know what the future brings. I hope that my mind can wrap around the concept of pushing the walls of my self-imposed prison. It is daunting and frightening.. so many chances that I took years ago, I simply do not have the courage to take them again. Not after seeing the fallout from my previous mistakes, what has taken ages to get past.

But it was a step, in and of itself, to open the door and let another close. I know my cats are glad for the new housemate, Gin, someone to play with them when she appears out of her room. One of my two cats is still very skittish, having been told for years that the room Gin is using was off limits, yet now being invited in to visit her, and she does not know what to think. The older of the two cats is quite pleased, since she likes to go where she should not, sneaking in when she thinks our backs are turned.

Friday, E and I went to pick up Gin, over 200 miles away and move her here. Today, the three of us went to see Matrix Reloaded, which I enjoyed the most of the three of us. I think what impressed me most was how well the music and action sequences fit together. I am definitely looking forward to the third part opening in November.

Today was an extra day off, making clam chowder for E in thanks for the help he gave. I do not like to cook for just myself.. in fact, I will not. But I do enjoy cooking for others. DarkRen nudged me when it was first arranged that Gin would move in here, wanting Gin to try the chowder, and so I made it when E would be here as well to help eat it. For there is one bad habit I have.. I cook far too much. I grew up learning to cook for leftovers.. T often ate them.. but I have never been one for leftovers myself. I do not know why that is.

I wish I could have afforded to take tomorrow off as well, that would have been 5 days in a row off work, which would have been marvelous. But, it was a luxury I cannot afford. All in all, not a bad thing.. despite the fact that being on phones for 10 hours in one day is a bit tiring mentally and emotionally.

I think that is one of the most difficult things of working the job I do. I noticed that since I have worked there, I have become more of a hermit. Having to interact in a forced environment for so many hours of a day, I relish my quiet time now. I need to find a good compromise.. need to find a way to get outside of the prison of my mind.. perhaps one day..