Life cycles..

Moments flash by in memories.. times when one thinks of what hopes they had for the future and how much different life became. If they had done things differently, as is evident in most of my entries.

Dreams and realities are so different for most. Some can savor the day-to-day quandries and surprises, some dread them like so much crinkled papers scattered in the breeze.

And then there are those whose lives are so much opposite of our own, whose hearts we can recognize as pure and happy, those who can grasp so much in life and give just as much or more in return. Those who leave us breathless and bemused, those who make us wish we could be in their circle of friends, but cherish instead watching from the outside and wishing desperately that their lives become what they hope it will be.

Sometimes even wishing that more than their own happiness..

This place here, this diary.. has allowed me to meet or intrude, into the lives of so many people, with so many varied backgrounds and lifestyles. Every conceivable and impossible situation, those that bring you to tears and those that make you laugh in the pure joy of having a taste of what they might be as friends.

I have wept with many, I have cried with more.. I have shared dreams and hopes, I have shared some of my secrets.. though I do not share many of what is always present.

I often sit and wonder if it would be possible for me to write of daily happenings, pondering whether or not I could allow myself to be so visible. Yet, still I hide, still I keep myself away.. until there are very few who even know who I am any longer.

I sneak out of hiding and let those who touch my life still, know that I am here. Yet I worry that my life is just so dreary, I would bore them incessently. So I keep quiet and keep watching, and learn so much from them.

It is often like reading a book, some things you know are nonsense, some things you know are real. Some things boggle the imagination and leave you sitting stunned into silence.

There are so many things I would say to some.. those who I care much for, those who have touched my heart and my life and brought light into the darkness. Those that I wish I could whisper and encourage to not let time slip away, to not let into the door what regrets might hold in the future.

Yet each person makes their own way and we are but shadows in corners. Some colorful, some grey, some scarcely seen.

When moments happen so swiftly, when some can be snatched away in the blink of an eye, I wish at times I could reach out and touch the heart of some, to urge them to not let go on love, not let go of family, not let go of dreams.. yet what screams in my mind is to urge them, ‘Do not become me..’

I could think of no worse ending for another than to live the life I have. And yet, I have shelter, I have food, I have those who do care. I have friends that I feel unworthy of.. those who I would do anything for. Yet it feels that I do not do nearly enough, that my efforts are in vain.

Mecurial silver that slips so quickly past the fingertips, never to be touched again, never to feel the brush against the skin. Yet.. in slow motion I can remember, almost.. almost relive that moment. If it were only possible to push through to that time and take that chance.

Yet still I dare not. It is but for me to reach out quietly and let others know, their lives do affect many more than would be imagined. And I know I am better for having become what amounts to being a voyeur, in reading those who inspire, who allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to confide, cheering them on and praying that they catch that special moment, one that will not be a regret later.

I often wonder why I write when my mind is muddled, for I cannot imagine that my words make much sense. Two who I have read for two years, both that I started reading at about the same time. Both who have such different lives, yet are close, who care as if they have known each other always. Both who write with an honesty that humbles me. One who brings tears of wishing I could help, another who brings tears for what is not spoken of. And I to sit and carefully word my heart in a manner so no one might know what I refer to.

Sometimes there is a moment of embarrassment at having seen what might not have been meant for many, yet to come across it where it is visible is heartbreaking as well. I do not know what the future holds for this one, only that with all my heart I hope that life treats her kindly and brings the joy a thousand fold in turn to what she brings to those who are lucky enough to have her in their lives.

For me, I am lucky enough to have been given the chance to meet one such. As I am to meet so many here, whose words do touch those unknown.

Ah well, another entry that makes no sense.. but I had to write what was inside..