Eyes that beheld, cannot lie..

There are moments when the pain is just too intense.. when there is no place to turn, nowhere to run. For no matter where you are, there you remain, you cannot hide from yourself.

I strive to not fall into the pit of despair or self-pity. Yet, it reaches out uncannily to find me and pull me deeper, always deeper. There are times when I have enough strength to fight it, and I do try to. And yet..

And yet.. when faced with reality, that it is not merely your own thoughts or viewpoint that looks in the mirror towards yourself, that it really hits home. When even those who care, those who have stayed valiantly by your side, cannot refute the evidence of their own eyes.. that it becomes even more difficult to attempt to look past the obvious.

To wish for days that are so far gone is futile, for they can never return. That girl who once was comely, that once had a spark of life that might have engendered the heart, she is long gone.. and all that remains is the husk, the shell.. and that shell is so far removed that the girl would not even recognize her if she were to see her then.

This cage.. this prison.. is of my own making. Time after time I made the wrong choices, until I bound myself to one who took years away. Who stated the words that were true then and yet, are the words that any man would use, were he in his shoes.

There are times, like now, when I wish something to change.. radically. And while thinking of the implements that could bring this to be, I still hesitate, and I know not why. What matters it if I hack off my own hair.. what matters it if I make myself even more unappealing? Because in truth, I don’t see the point in pretending, for I am not, in any fashion, what a man could love. The small vestiges of vanity are truly laughable in the extreme.

In virtual realms it is words that spark interest, the visage is unnecessary, for anyone can be beautiful. One can illustrate their heart, diagram it for any to see, be told that they are special.. and yet.. once that fourth wall is gone, even those who once thought that there was hope, must admit that there is none, for ever is there honesty between two.

What makes it worse is when foolishly your heart betrays you, caring more than is right, more than should be. It makes one vulnerable, the regard of that one closest to you, to know that it has changed, in the moment of truth. Well, perhaps that is not fair, for it never changed.. it never was more than what it is at the moment. Yet where once there might have been thoughts that the words spoken were hasty, that the viewpoint was skewed, it is now only truth shared, not one thinking only of her own devaluation, but the other understanding fully why her thoughts are what they are, they cannot refute the evidence.

Where once there was an escape, a door that at least allowed her to think of not being what she is.. that door no longer exists, due to the mistake of meeting, of allowing one close to her. Better to keep safe distances, so that none must see the truth of what she is.

It is enough that I know what I am, without seeing the mirror of truth within anothers’ eyes. I avoid looking in eyes too closely in habit, for I do not wish to see the mirror.

A harsh lessson, this thing called truth. But it reminds me to not let the walls down again, not to let anyone else close, not to allow my heart to love where it has no right to.

Another that I had allowed close, now is just distant.. mundane dialogue, nothing of substance, nothing that is real. Barriers lifted, walls built and doors closed. Safety there. One less that she can bare her soul to, leaving only one left. And now she sits and wonders the small time left to remain in that. How much longer can she face the mirror in his eyes, knowing he sees the freak that she is?

For she is one, perhaps worded differently by others, but it still remains. She is not one that love is allowed, she is one who was made old far before her time, who faces the years passing swiftly and yet not swiftly enough. Were she twice her age, then others would nod and understand her feeling the way she does. Others would regard her age and say she is foolish to imprison herself as she has. And yet, in all truth, she has been in this prison for 10 years already. Facing the demise of what had been her marriage, it was over then, yet she knew it not.

So now 10 years later, she sits and wonders why she tries. She wonders why she does not take the easy route, when there are implements enough to ensure that she does not fail this time. For thoughts of living this way for years to come is much more than she can bear. It has already been too long, far too long.

When hope died.. when reality is faced now even in times when she was once safe.. more died than merely hope, her safe haven abolished when she realized the mirror was true. The eyes that beheld that cannot lie.

Now there is no safety, no haven.. no place to hide and no place to run to.

The question is only when her eyes can close forever.. the coward that she is wishes it desperately. Yet she stays her hand and can only shake her head at wondering why she tries, for she has no more answers to that query.