Illusive perfections…

Odd for me to write so much, and most of it triggered by conversations with others. That usually is the case, for the most part.

I was speaking to a friend of mine, someone who has a horrid time with depression. I have talked to him for a few years, spent nights with him talking online while he drinks himself into oblivion or uses pills or even cuts himself, time and again trying to encourage him, to reach out to try to help calm him somehow.

My friend has very low self-esteem; he recently lost 50 lbs, and is now about 325 lbs. He sees himself horribly, despairs at age 22 that he will never find someone, and when he goes on about his pain, I can feel it, I know how it feels as I once spoke of it here.

I find that I do not know what to say to him right now. He has a crush on a girl who is 16. He was to meet her 7 months ago, she swore her true love to him, gave him hopes that there might be something between them intimately. It was just a few days before he was to leave that he found out she had reunited with an ex boyfriend and that it was just words, which devastated him completely.

As time does manage to heal, so his thoughts are towards how innocent she is, how lovely she is, how beautiful she is. He speaks of Bruce Springsteen’s song, ‘Glory Days’, and how by the time he has lost the weight and would be acceptable to her, she will no longer be the young girl she is now. True, she wouldn’t be, but if she is all that he dreams of, I do not understand truly what that has to do with it.

He speaks to her of wanting to be seen with her, so that others could see he is worthy of being with, because he was with a beautiful girl. I said it sounded more like he wanted a trophy than a girl, for ego stroking. He denied this, and yet, I feel he is rationalizing, so that he can continue these dreams.

He said because of his weight, he has missed out on his ‘glory days’ of youth, for him, anything after college does not count, at that time he would be too old to enjoy it, I suppose. I admit I struggle trying to understand his logic.

She, who pushed him close to the brink of suicide just 7 months ago, has now found her way onto the pedestal again. And in the one breath when he speaks of not being attractive enough for women, he will then speak of wanting the perfect young girl, in order for other men to envy him. He did admit that it was hypocritical, and yet, I know it is what happened with T. He wanted someone perfect and I was not she.

Mind you, I have no problem with that now. He did me a huge favor by disposing of me as he did. No, I do not like feeling disposed of, but at least it brought the truth to light, that the marriage was truly dead and not what I had thought it to be. At the time it was the worst thing in the world, but it is a relief to not live in a lie. I do not enjoy being alone, but.. I am not as alone as I was when wed to one so cold.

I feel sad when I cannot help my friend, when I have not the wisdom to speak words that will give comfort or clarity or direction. I feel that I fail him, but his thoughts are just so alien to me, I do not understand it at all. He attributes all things good and pure to her now, explains away her mistakes in the past as folly, blaming himself for her lies to him, and yet he is building it up again in his mind, the same lies and it worries me.

I know most people want the perfect person, the right age, social standing, wealth, height, weight, religion, eye color, finances, career, on and on the list goes. It’s the question most people have, P left to find the perfect woman, T did because he felt he had found her.

With age comes wisdom, so they say, and yet, I do not know that I have learned much. Even though I came to terms with being alone, still, it is conversations like the one earlier that sadden me. I just wanted someone who could accept me as I am and perhaps, together we could be the best we could be. Two who are stronger as one than alone, I see it every day around me, those who have found that type of love and support and strength. I do not resent them, I am glad that they were able to find it.

For my friend, as he pursues the illusion of perfection, he will ever be disappointed, I fear.