Not worth bothering to read..

It’s another one of those boring, senseless entries, so don’t worry about reading it, since it’s so much the same ‘ol stuff.

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I babble, sometimes way more than I should. I say things at times that I wish I’d just keep my mouth shut, but they come spilling out at a rapid rate and it’s like watching a head-on collision that you know you can’t stop. The only problem is that with this, it’s self-induced.

I’m my own worst enemy, I know this, I always have been. I mess up just about every friendship I’ve ever had, the only one I haven’t, I think, is with M.

Even knowing this, there are times that I will say or do things that regardless of my best intentions, I manage to blow things out of proportion, and when scared, then it is almost a guarantee that the end of the friendship is near. And that’s not the other persons’ fault, it’s my own.

So why do I do this? Probably because I want to protect them, I can see nothing good about me being in someones’ life, I’d rather that people would surround themselves with wonderful people, those who are not damaged or scared or lost or frightened or lonely or just wrong.

I care too much to let someone allow me into their life, for too long. I only see that at some point, they will realize it too, and know that someday, they’ll have to cut the connection, when they feel it is safe to. It’s why I know I will be alone, because I won’t let anyone ruin their life by having me in it.

I’ve learned, for the most part, how to hide this part of myself, keep it far away, not subject others’ to it. I talk of things here that I would not often to those I am around in real life. I’m more apt to be somewhat aloof or cold, box myself tightly into a knot, allow only what is acceptable to show. The only problem with that is that there is not much that is, at this point in my life.

So if I care about someone, then I shall protect them, even if it makes me sad to walk away, because at least they won’t be burdened by my heart and mind and emotions. It is a measure of caring, when everything points that they grow weary and I can’t face the car wreck, I’ve seen the crash far too many times before. Everyone has their limits, watching others come to terms with them, and knowing it is my own fault, saddens me so deeply, I’ve learned how to hide so much, why can’t I seem to get it through my head to just stay quiet, for once, and not ruin friendships any longer?