New Medications For Women…

D A M N I T O L :

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A’S W O R T :

Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N :

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O :

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L :

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R :

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N :

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to touch lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … Can we get naked now?..”

B U Y A G R A : Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N : Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T : A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T : When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.