American Idol Review

I found this on the Black Voices entertainment message board. It’s funny as hell…you know I had to share. 🙂

Adieu, adieu to you and you and you…
by J. Danielle Daniels

Greetings, Africana readers, from the Jacksonville International Airport. I’m here to inform you all that after Trenyce’s unjust departure, I am officially revoking my American citizenship, moving to the beautiful city of Versailles, looking up Alfred Largange and living happily ever after. Between our idiotic president, the war to liberate oil wells and now this, I really don’t see the advantages of living here anymore. This is a country that not only kept Josh “I’m a Marine! No, really!” Gracin in this competition, but didn’t even send him to the bottom two. I no longer trust my fellow citizens, especially not around telephones.

Wait. You all wanted a recap still? Didn’t you just hear me say that Trenyce is gone? What more is there to say? Fine, but only because it’ll be one of my last acts as an American citizen.

When Ryan Seacrest states that the final five are going to sing not one, but two songs, it sounds more like a threat than anything enjoyable. To top it all off, Wednesday’s guest judge was Neil Sedaka. I can’t think of anyone who likes Neil Sedaka other than my aunt, who would leave her husband and kids for this man. I’m not too sure why. In case you’re all scratching your heads, saying, “Who?” don’t feel too badly. Neil Sedaka is the white Smokey Robinson – that is, other people sang all of his greatest hits. So listening to Kim Locke gush about how much she loves Neil’s work because his words just touch her…God, shut up, Kim. How many people under 25 (other than myself) know all of the lyrics to “Laughter in the Rain?”

The theme was “Sixties Hits/Neil Sedaka Songs.” Ruben kicks the night off singing, “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” Holy crud! Ruben’s got on a real shirt with matching pants! And he’s got a haircut! I can see his head! It looks like a Milk Dud! I want to bite his head! (Not that head, you guys – get your heads out of the gutter.) His second tune, “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do,” isn’t quite on the mark. But hey, that’s Big Rube Studdard. If he has an off night, he can have it.

Someone must’ve lit a fire under Trenyce’s skinny bird legs (see, readers? I make fun of skinny people, too!), because she gave more energy in her performances of “Proud Mary” and “Love Will Keep Us Together” than she has during her entire AI stay. And she actually looks like she’s having fun. I think Trenyce knew it was her last show, so she may as well cut loose. What did she have to lose?

Kim sings Gladys Knight’s version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.” As usual, Kim starts off in the key she wants to (the key of clueless) as opposed to the key she’s supposed to begin on. Sigh. In contrast, her second song, “Where the Boys Are,” is all but flawless. This is what Kim sounds like when she’s trying to sing on key and in her range, as opposed to trying to sound sexy. It’s absolutely brilliant, and it saves her a trip to the bottom two.

Josh managed to find his country accent this week, and he drags through some song I’ve never heard of. It’s country, it’s corny, it’s pitchy, and it’s bad. Even more ironic than Josh singing, “If it don’t work out, let’s say goodbye” (oh, if only we could, Josh! If only!) is his second selection is “Bad Blood.” Too easy, Drill Sergeant; too easy. Reminiscent of “Ain’t Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up),” Josh sings syllables that don’t translate to words. Ist er Sprechen deutsch?

He channels his inner Carmen for the chorus: “B-a-a-a-a-a-a-d blu-u-u-u-u-u-u-d!” Somebody kill it!

For Clay’s first selection, he sings “Build Me Up Buttercup.” It’s official: Clay is gay. Straight men do not sing “Build Me Up Buttercup.” In Clay’s defense, it’s a wonderful performance. For once, he actually did something different. I think I even saw something resembling a hip shake.

Clay’s second performance is “Solitaire,” the game that his little teenybopper fans play when they’re in their beds alone at night, not knowing that Clay isn’t even thinking about those poor girls. The lights go dim, and there’s this one ray of light that shines onto some man. Panicking, I fear that it’s the coming of the second Messiah. As I begin to list all the sins I need to repent for since Easter, I realize that it’s just Clay, who’s trying to make love to me with his eyes. Stop that, Clay! Of course, it’s technically perfect and emotionally flat. Still, it’s quite good. If Clay would just stop fluttering his eyelashes like he lost his virginity to Justin Timberlake, I might learn to really like him.

Thursday night is an hour-long show to drag out Trenyce’s eventual departure. We see the AI kids at the X2 performance, and on the set of “Boston Public” with America’s true idol, Tamyra Gray. Some of the booted contestants come back to sing “What The World Needs Now” with the final five and Burt Bacharach. It’s another opportunity for the AI contestants to whore themselves shamelessly raise money for charity. Don’t forget to buy the single, or you’re “Un-American.”

Justin Guarini is back, and someone apparently kicked him in the testicles before he came out, because the pitch in his voice rivals Michael Jackson’s. He talks about his upcoming movie “Crap on the Beach” or whatever it’s called, but I just can’t look at the screen because he looks exactly like Sideshow Bob. Any second now, he’s going to jump up and say, “Die, Bart! Die!” Justin sings an original song about a woman being beautiful, beautiful, bee-oo-tee-ful. I see he attended the Kelly Clarkson School of Innovative Songwriting.

So, 40 long minutes later, we finally get to hear what we’ve already known. Kimberley is safe. The Son of God is safe. Trenyce may as well have just stood on the seal before the votes were announced. So now it’s down to Ruben and Josh. The judges didn’t like Josh. They liked Ruben. Common sense should tell us that the second person going on the seal is…Ruben. Josh is safe. For a minute, I just stare at my screen in horror, because I know I haven’t heard what I thought I heard. But no, there’s Ruben lumbering to the bottom two, and there’s Josh, sitting on the couch with his head between his hands. Die, Doughboy, die!

Just 24 hours after being compared to “a drag act,” and being told in every language short of Braille that she simply wasn’t good enough, Trenyce is finally given the boot. White America breathes a collective sigh of relief – one Negro down, with one-and-a-half to go. I check my bank account to ensure that I have enough money to make it to France. Trenyce looks as if she could care less. She bows out of this competition at the top of her game, and with class and dignity. Cheers to her.

Well, that’s all from me. My flight is leaving soon. Viva le France. So long farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye America!

J. Danielle Daniels is a journalist attending Florida A&M University. At the French border, she was ordered back to the United States to finish the American Idol recaps under penalty of life imprisonment. She can be reached at Le Sante Prison in Paris.