More…

Well, we leave tomorrow evening for Oklahoma. I have such a crazy mix of emotions going on right now. I’m excited, nervous, annoyed, it’s all jumbled up inside me. I’m managing to keep my exterior calm and on task but my mind is constantly going a million miles an hour. I have been working on getting the house clean for the past week, yes, week. Today I am finishing up. The house had gotten completely out of control while I was going to school and working. To actually get it back to a state where I can actually say it’s clean (except for two closed-off rooms) has taken me a week. I can’t stay on top of all the housework when working full-time, I don’t know how some women work, take care of kids, and keep a beautiful house. I stand in awe. 🙂

I found out last night through my grandmother that my ex-stepmother will be at my cousin’s wedding Saturday. I was a mix of pissed off, anxious and just downright bummed over hearing that. That woman made my teen years a living hell. I tried to be forgiving and welcome her into my home after I was a married adult and all she did was walk all over me again, mocking me and making accusations while here. There is no forgiveness left in my heart for her. I shed myself of her and eventually the anger and resentment I felt towards her. I did not react in the way I would have a few years ago to finding out she would be there. I know I can be civil and fake-nice and polite provided she does the same, and without doing so mockingly. I would not have been able to be in the same room with her a couple of years ago because I hadn’t let go of that anger. At least this is happening now, and not then. A few years ago seeing her face would have sent me lunging for the nearest weapon. I can see her now without my blood coming to boiling. I just still wish I didn’t have to be around her.

I am finding there is a lot of guilt in my grandmother over giving up my sister. She had no say in it, none whatsoever, it was up to my mom’s parents. She still seems to feel like she should have fought harder to keep her. She was trying to find some inkling that I felt the same way on the phone last night. That is just something I cannot give her. I feel no animosity whatsoever towards anyone for making the decision to give her up. Would I have liked to have a sister? Sure. BUT, the way things worked out were pretty good in my eyes. I got to be the first grandchild, I was an only child, I was SPOILED. All I had to do with bat my little eyes and stick my little lip out and grandpa would buy me anything I wanted! I didn’t have to have “hand-me-downs”, I had my own room, got loads of toys every Christmas, Dad bought me my first car and paid my insurance and gave me a gas allowance. A lot of these things would not have happened if I’d had an older sister. Then there are the things I missed out on, having someone to look up to, someone to stick up for me, a sister to confide in. But I made my own way in the world, paved my own road to walk down, looked up to people I felt were worth looking up to, confided in those who were trustworthy. Things worked out well, there were bumps in the road along the way but things are okay for both me and my sister. We’re both happy, healthy, and living well and we have each other now.

I hope that meeting my sister will allow my grandmother a chance to realize things did work out okay. She had a good life. None of us can really say if things would have been better the other way, and at this point it doesn’t matter, we would just drive ourselves crazy worrying about it. My sister believes this happened for a reason. I’m not big on fate but I believe it happened and we all did our best to make the decision right. That’s all a person can do, you can’t make a decision and then drive yourself crazy wondering what would happen had you gone the other way, you have to accept it and make it the right decision.

I am looking forward to meeting my sister on Friday. I am also looking forward to seeing my little cousin get married. 🙂 This should be a very interesting week.

Aa’ menle nauva calen ar’ ta hwesta e’ ale’quenle
May thy paths be green and the breeze on thy back