I Have a Sister

Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve used this I’m almost surprised I still remembered how to log in. Of course, as soon as I did I discovered that my custom background image is gone because my website is gone. So I’ve thrown this up for now and will have to come back to overhaul this thing.

I can’t seem to find the attention span to sit down and write very often anymore. This hiatus has in no way been due to a lack of things to write about just a lack of ability to get myself sit down, be still, and do it.

Anyway, I need to get a few things sorted out in my mind and this seemed the logical way to do it. So, here goes:

I don’t know if anyone has bothered to stick around since I haven’t written in so long but if anyone has you will possibly remember that I’ve known since I was 15 years old that I have a full blood-related biological sister out in the world that I’ve never met. My dad got my mom pregnant at 15 years old, the little girl was given up for adoption. That sister out there somewhere is no longer a mystery, she found us! It happened a few weeks ago, my husband and I were just sitting down with some dessert & some tea to a game of Scrabble. As we were walking into the dining room the phone rang, it was my mom. I decided to let it go to voicemail while I ate my dessert real quick then I would call her back. As we ate my husband and I both booted up our respective laptops, he went to facebook and I to my email to download the voicemail from my mom. As I listened to it I could hear the urgency/frustration in her voice. I knew this was not a routine social call, something was up, or wrong, I didn’t know, I sped up my eating. My husband logged into facebook to find a message from a woman, she’d found him and was looking for me, she claimed to be my sister. I knew right then what the urgency in my mom’s voice was about. As I looked at her photograph on facebook for the first time I knew it was true, the girl I was looking at looked exactly like our mother, it was incredible! I saw her name, repeated it in my head, said it aloud then proceeded to turn white as a ghost, I could feel the blood drain from my face, my head, I got slightly dizzy, my heart raced. My husband, concerned, asked if I was okay. All I could do was nod and say “Oh, my god!” a few times. I recovered and explained. As a little girl I had an imaginary friend, she was always with me, my mom even had to order for her at restaurants. She was almost like a big sister figure in my little head, I remember the idea of her as clear as day, even now. Her name was the same as my sister’s!! Mind you, I had no idea about this until I was 15 years old, long after my imaginary friend had been put aside. Somehow it’s almost like I knew. I haven’t told her this yet, it’s too weird.

I have looked many times for my sister, searched various databases where adopted children could list themselves as wanting to be found. I never had any luck, she apparently has been searching on and off since 1993. My heart has desperately ached to know her. To have someone so closely related and to never know them is a hard thing to stomach. She has been within 2 hours of me my entire life until I moved to CT. She grew up in Oklahoma City and I grew up in Tulsa.

I called my mom back that same evening. By the time she told me I already knew. She had talked to her that evening. She was all the same things that I was, happy, nervous, excited, and of course, a little unsure.

I have talked to my sister and my newfound Niece on Facebook. They seem like a really nice family. Pretty much a typical Southern family it seems. The funny thing though is that I think my Niece has more in common with me than with her mom. I am hoping to be able to forge a good relationship with her. She’s a really sweet little girl. My sister seems like a strange mix of myself and my mom. I think her personality is more like my mom’s while her outlook and such on life and her desires more closely match mine. We have lots of little things in common. We are both musical, we both love mexican food and cheese. 🙂 We are both shy and reserved. Though according to my family that’s met her in person she talks a lot more than I do.

My mom, her parents and one of my mom’s brothers got to meet her last Saturday. They had a great time and my mom says she fit right in, almost like she’d always been part of the family. She also thinks that her and I are going to get along really well.

We are going to Oklahoma towards the end of the month. This all happened at a really good time because we were already planning a trip to Oklahoma. One of my younger cousins is getting married. So we are including meeting my sister on this trip too. I am excited and nervous about it. There are the standard fears of what if we don’t really hit it off and such. Then there are other fears like what are her motivations. I know her adoptive mother died recently as did the maternal grandmother. My sister says that she doesn’t feel like she fits in with the rest of her maternal family and doesn’t see them really anymore. Then there are my own insecurities, what if everyone decides they like her more than they like me? My mom has already confided in me that she doesn’t think that she can ever have the same relationship with her as she does me, that she’s not sure she can ever think of her as a daughter. But my mom’s parents have been awful thrilled about all of this and my entire life they’ve never really treated me very well. I always felt like an outsider in their home. They never really seemed to care too much if I came around or not. But when my sister comes out of the woodwork they are overjoyed. Maybe there are just issues there I don’t understand and I’m not going to let it get to me.

Then there is the issue of our Dad. She already knew when she contacted me that our Dad is in prison on drug charges. I talked to her at length about our father. I told her the good, the bad and the ugly about him. I don’t want to sugarcoat him and have her be dissapointed so I gave her the truth as honestly and as unemotionally as I could. I tried to keep personal feelings and biases out of the way to give her as true a picture as I possibly could including the whole thing about my step-mother. There’s also the fact that she has a half-brother and two half sisters that died at birth. I will be taking her to meet our Grandmother and the rest of Dad’s side of the family. Dad, however, is not getting out of prison until May 1st so she will have to wait to meet him until after then. She’s nervous about meeting him and wants me to be there with her for that meeting but I’m not sure I will be able to.

I am having a hard time really wrapping my mind around this. I’ve known this day might come since I was 15 years old but I guess no amount of self-preparation really gets you ready for this. I am, however, extremely glad that my parents told me. It would have been a lot harder to imagine this day with no preparation. I have called her my sister many times in this entry but I don’t think I’ve even managed to say that out loud in life. I say it here to avoid using her name but in person I can’t get it to roll off my tongue correctly, it feels strange. I told my mom last night that the only way I think I will be able to really get my mind around the fact that this woman is really my sister is to see her in person.

There is sad news in the midst of all this excitement too. My step-dad has cancer. They found this out within a week of my sister contacting us. I just got word from my mom last night that not only does he have a tumor on his colon but it looks like the cancer has spread to his liver. They are doing a biopsy this week to be positive but things are not looking good. He’s in his mid-fifties, it’s hard to imagine he’s this sick so young. I have always had a really good relationship with my step-dad, at times he has been more of a father to me than my own real father. He’s been there through everything and I’ve always had a great deal of respect for him. He can be a little weird at times but he’s always treated my mom very well. He’s the kind of guy you would want your daughter to marry if that makes sense. My mom says they are taking it one day at a time right now, she seems okay. My mom is strong so I know no matter what happens she will be okay. I am hoping for the best.

We leave for Oklahoma on the 21st. Time cannot pass quickly enough!! I will write more, if not before I go, then probably while I am there. I am sure I will have a LOT on my mind.

Aa’ menle nauva calen ar’ ta hwesta e’ ale’quenle
May thy paths be green and the breeze on thy back