4/22/04

Well, therapy was interesting today. My therapist commented that I seemed much better and more confident. He’s willing to sign a release saying I can return to work. He did however, insist that I think about myself and make sure that I approach my boss when I return to work and ask for anything I might need to make sure I don’t have another breakdown. For instance, permission to leave the building and go for a walk if I feel stressed. Things like that. My therapist drove the point home today that I give and give and give and go out of my way to please people without ever asking to have my needs fullfilled. He said he figured that’s something that was beat out of me in my childhood, and he’s right. Growing up I was taught that children aren’t allowed to have needs. Children are to be seen and not heard. If I asked for something I’d often be shushed and told to go back to my room. I remember sitting in the back seat of my mom’s car when I was older, like 12 or so and they’d be trying to decide where to go for dinner, I’d offer up an opinion and I’d be told “You don’t get to have an opinion, you’re the kid”. I grew up never being allowed to have an opinion, or a say in anything. Hell, when I moved in with my dad and he actually allowed me to pick out my own bedroom furniture and sheets and blankets for my birthday one year I was in shock. You mean, I have a say in how my room is decorated????? One thing my dad did right is listen to me, they’d ask me where I wanted to go for dinner on Friday night and we’d sometimes go there. There were still some problems with my step-mother, she tried to dictate what I wore and the music I listened to, and what I watched on TV, but it was the most freedom I ever had living with my dad and step-mom.

It’s really hard to come out of that, to realize that people are going to listen to me and care what I have to say. I’ve been beaten down so many times. This journal is the farthest I’ve ever come with speaking my mind and I’m still terrified a lot of the time that I’m going to say something and get beat down for it.

I have a few things to work on this week. I have to be able to ask for what I need. I need to take down this wall I’ve built around myself and not be afraid to speak my mind and take risks. No, everyone in the world isn’t going to like me, but that’s okay, it’s that way for everyone. I can’t please everyone.