3/17/04

Yeah, so therapy went really well tonight. Tonight my therapist kind of got a general feel for my family and what life was like for me as a kid and stuff. He kind of put everything together and said that he thinks the biggest thing we need to work on for me is self-confidence. He wants to see me get out there and try to be around what he called “safe people”, people that I could be comfortable around and that didn’t pick on me. He suggested maybe I should consider doing some volunteer work or something of that nature. He see’s that it’s childhood problems that are causing my problems at work now. He said that when I get yelled at, or pressure is put on me or I’m teased or talked down to that I’m feeling like I did when I was a child and I was yelled at and talked down to by my step-mom and other kids and stuff. He’s exactly right, sometimes I feel like that little kid that’s being yelled at when Marlene gets on me and I just want to climb in my closet and hide under my clothes like I did as a kid. Except at work there’s no clothes to hide under.

He said we have to work on re-programming me so that I really, honestly believe that I am not all the things that people have always called me, like ugly and stupid and worthless. And he said he thinks it going to take quite awhile for us to work through all of it. He thinks I should work on finding a job that’s less stressful, I told him I was looking for one and that I heard about an opening at a dog groomer tonight. He also asked me if I’d thought about going to school and I told him I wanted to be a psychologist but that my self-confidence and anxiety issues were keeping me from really jumping for it right now. He thought that was great and reminded me that I could start small and that I don’t have to go all the way and be a psychologist, but I could do counseling or social work or something of that nature with just a masters degree. I’d already considered that because I know it’s tough work to get a PhD, and I’ve already considered what I would do if I didn’t make it all the way, I’ve considered being a guidance counselor or something.

I’m calling my general practitioner tomorrow so I can see about getting on some meds. My therapist thinks something that works for Social Anxiety would be good for me so I’ll be able to be around people better. He suggested Paxil and said that it could take 4 to 6 weeks for me to get any real results from it. He also said that I shouldn’t return to work too soon or anything because once I do it’s all over as far as getting disability again. Apparently he’s worked with the people I’m working with for my disability claim before, he’s been on disability in the past and once you return to work they won’t approve you again even if you get sick again. So he wants me to really be ready to go back if/when I do, and he really seems to think I shouldn’t be working in the environment I’m in, that I need to get something, at least for now that is more back room, not out in the open dealing with people until we get a chance to rebuild my confidence.

I’m feeling really good about all of this. I think this guy is the best therapist I’ve ever had. I really feel like I can trust him. It feels good to talk to someone that can understand and put things together.