3/4/2004

Life is weird right now. I’m at such a cross-roads, I keep looking ahead but am not sure what to see. I’ve got several variables keeping me where I am. We’re hoping to refinance our equity loan, I need to keep this job through the end of that if I can. We were hoping to do it this month but no such luck. I did find out though from our loan guy last night that my credit score is finally above average!!!! *does little dance* I might be stuck at this job until the end of April now. As long as I’m able to leave when the doggy daycare person calls me I’ll be okay, I don’t want to miss out on that opportunity! I can go back to school either way at least. Since school is something I’m going to have to ease into, I’m only planning to take one class this summer, then 2 in the fall. So either way, that’s a definate, the only real variable is when can I finally leave my job??!!! 🙂 It’ll be worth it to have stayed if we get the loan, I know it will.

I’m going nuts though, I was so happy when all this started, when I finally decided that I could quit my job and move on to better things. But now, I don’t know, I’m back to battling depression like I’ve never felt before. I’m still excited and am not really stressed or anxious, just depressed and empty. I just feel sad, unmotivated, and tired all the time. Deep down, I think I’m happy, but I don’t know, I don’t seem to be able to pull that happiness up so I can enjoy and be a part of it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I keep wanting to find myself a therapist too, but I can’t find the motivation to do that. I think I’m afraid of end up with another one that I don’t like. Or, that I’ll get in there and clam up like I always seem to do.

Blah, anyway, I have work to do. You know, I haven’t had a day go by since new boss man took over that I haven’t had a load of work to do. He really keeps it piled on. I miss those days where I had nothing to do and I could just screw around all day.

Anyway, I’d better get to some of that work. One of the things is a project that was supposed to go out last Monday.