Hopeless

I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do but I can’t keep doing this. I dread Monday mornings now because I know I have to go meet with Chuck. I’ve been fighting back the tears since breakfast. This just isn’t right. It isn’t right to feel this way about your job.

I’m working for the enemy. See, my new boss is fighting to get rid of the program that my husband does all his work in. He speaks with enthusiasm about “getting rid of Lotus Notes”. My husband is a Lotus Notes programmer working for the same company I work for. I don’t want to play for Chucks team because he’s wrong. The tool he’s wanting to rid the company of is the perfect tool for distributing our manuals. Instead he wants to use something that’s not only inferior but much more difficult to train people to use, and who is the one that will be training people to use it? That’s right, Chuck wants me to do it, he wants me to train and support them. I don’t want to. This isn’t what I came here for, my job is turning into something much different than it was when I started here. I liked the job I had, I don’t like Chucks vision, I don’t want to be a part of it.

I want out, but I don’t know what to do. I’m not particularly good at anything. I can’t just quit because we need the money I make. I feel trapped and alone. I need help but I don’t know where to turn. I can’t talk to my family, my mom holds the belief that you can’t be happy at a job, that you have to just suck it up and live for the weekends. My dad isn’t stable enough to really talk to and my grandmother, I don’t know, I don’t want to burden her, she has enough going on right now. I don’t want her to see me unhappy. My husband doesn’t have any answers I don’t already have and I don’t have the fucking courage to find a therapist.

I thought life would get easier once I got out on my own, once I could start living for myself. But it’s just more of the same. Do we ever really get a chance to just live for ourselves? I know at the end of the day the only person we have to answer to is ourselves, that things that happen in the office don’t really matter all the much. But at the end of the day I feel like I’ve wasted most of it doing something I don’t want to do.

Working under my old boss it was easy to get up every morning, I adored working for her. But now, now I just keep going to sleep wishing I’d never wake up.

I don’t know if this makes any sense. I feel like I’ve rambled all over the place. I have my stupid meeting in a few minutes so I’m going to go.