2/20/04

It’s been awhile since I’ve written in here. I haven’t been doing so great, I’ve been really depressed. This new boss I have is really getting me down. I’m not social and outgoing enough for him. My Performance Appraisal is coming up too and I fear it’s going to come up. I do my job extremely well, but in the corporate environment you have to be social and happy and shit. Depressed loners aren’t exactly what everyone wants. My meeting on Monday went really bad, it just felt horribly uncomfortable. I came back to my desk and cut my arm up. Go me, I’ve never been pushed far enough to self-injure quite that badly, I don’t usually leave marks that last for days. I did it to keep myself from crying, from sitting here blubbering at my desk like a big, stupid cry-baby. I do that so fucking often and I didn’t want to on Monday.

I’m not changing who I am for a fucking job. If the guy can’t deal with the fact that I work best when left alone, and that I am not outgoing and social then he can let me go. I’d rather be fired for who I am than hold a job while pretending to be some bubbly person that I’m not. I’m fucking sick of pretending. That’s all I’ve done my entire life and I’m sick of it.

I keep going back and forth on finding myself a psychologist. The one I contacted was full and I haven’t tried anyone else. I haven’t had good luck in therapy. Either they’ve lost my trust by telling my parents things they promised were confidential or they’ve just known too much. I had one guy that was really good but he figured things out too fast, he knew too much without me hardly even saying anything, he asked me things I couldn’t bring myself to admit to, it was just too painful. So not only do I fear bouncing around until I finally find a therapist I like, but I fear finding someone good and re-living all those feelings. I don’t know, maybe I’m just not really ready. Will I ever be?

Life is just sucking right now, all I’ve ever wanted in life is to be happy. It seems like every time I finally get close to that point something changes and all the shit starts up again. I just want the shit to stop…