2/2/2004

I’m getting seriously pissed off right here Okay, seriously, I have 4 broken cd’s to replace!! One of them I dropped onto the tile and it cracked. Two of them split from the center towards the edge, they’re old and I bought them used so I can’t really return them for a refund. The fourth one the kittens broke today by knocking my boombox off the counter and sending the cd flying to it’s death, it cracked. CD’s aren’t cheap!!! Grrr.

Hubby scored a copy of Morrowind for XBox from a guy he knows at work today. The guy didn’t like the game so he’s letting us borrow it and said if we like it, we can keep it. I tried it tonight and I don’t like it. It looks like a good game and I think the computer version might be alright but I don’t care for the XBox version. *shrugs* It might just be me though, I thought the controls were difficult and I got so fucking lost. I have no direction sense though so it’s no surprise. Hubby might like it though so we’ll see.

I had a really fucking good day at work today. I got a lot done and it was a lot of fun. I like days like today, I felt good about myself. I even managed to make some phone calls that would normally be uncomfortable for me. I’m focusing a lot on fixing my self-esteem and stuff. I have a really distorted perception of the way people see me. I know I do, I always have. But growing up in the environment I grew up in it’s no surprise. I’m working on just doing what I have to do without worrying about what people are going to think about me, because it doesn’t matter. Some people are going to like me, some people are going to dislike me and that’s just how it is in this world. I have to not let it get to me, and that’s hard for me, I’ve been rejected a lot in my life so now all I want is for everyone to like me. That’s not possible though, and I know that, I just have to be the best person I can be and that’s all I can do. I’ve had an even harder time with my self-esteem since I gained weight and stuff too. That’s made this whole battle so much harder. I look around myself and see large people with amazing confidence and self-esteem and I just get so jealous, I’m not comfortable in my body and I wish I was. I want to lose weight but I need to be comfortable with what I have for now because this isn’t something I can change overnight.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days. I’m probably going to try to head out to the bookstore this weekend, or maybe I’ll check amazon. I need to pick up a couple of books on Anxiety and Self-Esteem. That psychologist never got back to me so I’m going to read what I think will be good for me to read and do what I can until I either find another one or manage to fix myself (doubt that’s possible but y’never know). *shrugs* I want to be a Psychologist and I think the first step in my doing that (besides schooling) is taking care of my own problems.

Anyway, I’m off to watch TV, then I’ll be heading to bed so goodnight and be well.