11/10/03

I hate this place. I used to actually like my job when I had a cubicle with a bit of privacy and nice grey walls. Now I have a tiny little cubicle where my monitor faces the world and my walls are PINK! I’ve hated pink for as long as I can remember and staring at these walls every fucking day makes me want to vomit. If I thought my boss wouldn’t kill me I’d bring in several yards of black fabric and hide the hideous pinkness behind a cloak of comforting blackness. Oh how I long for the day I’ll have an office I can paint whatever color I choose. *daydreams*

I’ve been toying with the idea of painting the office furniture in our house. You see, nothing goes together, it’s all mismatched stuff bought off the side of the road, purchased at the railroad salvage and stuff I brought with me from Oklahoma or that hubby already had. If I were to paint everything, with say some kind of a neat finish like an aged or distressed look, then everything would match!! Thing is, I’m not one of those creative types. Well, I am, but not with paint. I’m tempted to try it though.

I’ve also been trying to decide what to do with my hair. I don’t think I’m going to keep it this short. I’m just not happy with my hair at any length. It annoys the living fuck out of me when it’s long. Cut into a bob the ends flip out and drive me insane and it gets in my mouth when the wind blows and shit. When it’s super short it’s not wash and go, I have to get it wet and put all kinds of shit in it or walk around with an afro. *frowns* I should just buzz it all off. Fuck hair, who needs it! Not me, that’s for sure.

We’ve been spending all willy nilly, heh, so if I bitch about being broke, someone please smack me. I don’t deserve to bitch right now. 🙂 Well, really it’s all needed stuff though, Sara needed a new bed otherwise she’d be too cold over the winter. We needed new pillows, I needed new black pants. And I “needed” a new excersize machine. I’d use my excersize bike but seriously, the fucking thing is too damned loud! I can’t hear the god damned TV over it or music without cranking it way the fuck up so I don’t enjoy using it. I bought myself one of the gazelle machine’s, mail order though, I don’t have it yet. Hubby walks Sara every night now so I’m going to use that while he goes for a walk. I COULD just go for a walk with him but I find it extremely hard to get motivated enough to subject myself to freezing my ass off, and walking on our street is torture to someone like myself with sensitive hearing. Hubby usually walks Sara in the street now rather than in the woods, it’s safer since it gets dark so early now. I’m much more inclined to throw on some sweat pants and hop on a machine in front of the TV. I seriously need to lose some weight. I’m so overweight that it’s seriously affecting my self-esteem. I can’t do anything anymore without worrying what other people might be thinking. I feel ashamed going out to eat and stuff, I don’t overeat, but I’m just afraid people will be like “Oh, look at that big fat-ass stuffing herself”. I really envy big people that can feel secure and confident in their bodies, I don’t have anything at all against large people, I just don’t have the confidence to pull it off. I desperately want to be a size 16 again. That’s about as small as I can get, I might be able to get down to 14 but that’s definitely it, I have wide hips. I envy people who can fit into single digits. 🙂 I haven’t been able to since I was like 12, and that’s only because I was anorexic at that age. And actually, now that I think about it, I think I still wore a size 14 when I was anorexic. *shrugs*

I’ve been trying and trying to figure out what to buy for my birthday. I’m probably going to buy the pool cue before my birthday *hums*. I want some new clothes and I have an Amazon wish list a mile long. So do I buy clothes or do I buy myself an XBox and some games or something? I usually get close to $300.00 for my birthday from my family. Yes, I know I’m spoiled. Then for Christmas we’ll get another $300.00 or so, which we’re probably going to spend on a dishwasher! We need a dishwasher in a bad way. Doing dishes by hand SUCKS. We also need a new dryer, our dryer doesn’t dry very well. I hate machine’s that don’t do what they’re intended to do. I usually yell at it when I open it up to find damp clothes “Dammit, you’re a dryer, DRY STUFF!!!” I yell at other machine’s and electronics that way too, like when the Dreamcast won’t play whatever game I’ve put in I yell at it “Dammit, you’re a dreamcast, run my game!!” These damned machine’s have but one purpose in life so it shouldn’t be that hard for them to do their jobs. *shrugs*

Anyway, hmm, what else? I have to dye my hair tonight. Woohoo, fun! We also have to buy cat food and beer. mmmmm beer Hubby has class so I’ll probably dye my hair and sit on my ass playing Neverwinter, between spurts of getting up to pull kittens off of power cords while saying “No, bad kitten, no chewing cords”. Oh yeah, and I should call my grandma sometime soon, maybe I’ll do that tonight too.

Yeah, okay, I’m going to go find some work to do now, or something.