My Hell

*sigh*

I haven’t been feeling so great, not for a few days. Saturday was a good day but that was about it.

I’ll be honest, I get sick of being alive sometimes.

Most days it feels like the world is against me, it’s hard being so much different from everyone else.

Every single fucking day of my life is one challenge after another.

Does anyone have any idea what it’s like to be a non-social person in this world? Can you imagine what it’s like to never know what to say, or what to do. To not understand body language. To not know if that was constructive criticism or if you should box up your things and leave. To wish desperately that you had friends. To not know if someone is reaching out to you or being sarcastic.

This is my hell.

In my hell things are louder to me, lights are brighter and rough things are rougher. I ache.

My way is mysterious to people, my way of doing things looked at strangely, in stores I am watched, like a hawk. The way I shop looks suspicious. I can’t even shop normally.

I feel like I can’t do anything right.

As much as I detest normality I’d like to be able to blend in, to not stand out, to not be stared at.

My hell follows me everywhere I go.

I feel so alone. When I try to reach out, I fail. When someone tries to reach out to me, they fail because of me. When I try to blend in with society, I fail.

You look so normal. There’s something strange, but not strange enough. You get made fun of, called a nerd, laughed at, tortured every single fucking day of your life. Can anyone imagine the hell that puts someone with AS in? Can you imagine just needing a friend to help you understand communication and socialization when all your attempts to find this end in you being laughed at. Can you imagine the hell of sitting alone every day, eating lunch in a bathroom stall just to avoid the humiliation of being laughed at. Kids are so fucking cruel and I can tell you, from experience, adults aren’t much better. But instead of laughing at your face they laugh and talk behind your back.

This is my hell.