Know Thyself

Yeah, I’m writing a lot today. There’s a lot on my mind. 🙂

I feel like I don’t know who I really am anymore. I feel like this big jumbled, confused mess of a human being. I think the reasons why are pretty simple and I think this feeling will go away in time but it’s been strong for awhile.

Before I got married I was a high school student. I worked part time after school at a Direct Mail Company. No one made me work, my dad actually demanded that I only work during the summers but I refused and worked during school as well. I liked having the extra cash. It was nice because even though I had a job my dad still bought my lunches and gas to get to and from school. Having a job allowed me to drive around more because I had extra gas money, it allowed me to buy cd’s and clothes that I wanted. When I shopped with my step-mom I had to buy what she wanted me to wear, what a bore. I had a few friends and when I wasn’t working, doing band related things or in class I was usually with my friend Nancy. I was the quiet girl with the booming speakers in the cool car. I was the girl with plans, getting married after high school. I knew exactly who I was. Crazy musician with big dreams.

When I first got to CT what I needed to do was obvious, get a job, any job!! I never really thought about the future at all. I landed a job where I am now and have been there 3 and a half years. It’s gotten comfortable and I don’t have to worry about my future, I could stay where I am for a long time if that’s what I wanted to do. I don’t really so I’ve been trying to decide what I SHOULD do with my life. Should we go all out and run a farm, should I go back to school and become a musician, an animal behaviorist, a psychologist perhaps? Which road should I walk down? The idea of school scares me, not only because I had a rough school experience my entire life but because of all the WORK involved especially math and ewww, a thesis eventually. I could do it though, I know I could.

I feel like I’m sitting around with no direction. Too bad they don’t have guidance counselors for life. I can’t just walk down to the main office and ask to speak to my guidance counselor. hehe

To be honest, life has gotten to be a real bore. My routine although comfortable is incredibly boring. I’d like to be able to get up and do something in the morning that I really want to do. Right now I live for weekends.

I feel like I’ve lost touch with myself in other ways too. The AS label has changed the way I view myself and that might be part of it. It’s the strangest feeling though sometimes when I get in the car, alone, and crank up one of my favorite cd’s and sing along. It’s almost like the missing peice of me is back, and maybe it’s that simple. I used to spend hours driving around in my car and maybe that’s all I need to get back in touch with myself, but I don’t have time for that so much anymore. I’m alone quite a bit so I know it’s not that I don’t spend enough time alone, I think I might need to spend more time alone driving. I’m sure hubby wouldn’t mind if I decided to start going shopping alone. lol

I guess it’s also just different being 1300 miles away from where you grew up. A peice of me is still in Oklahoma and always will be. Sometimes I really wish I still lived there, but then again, Connecticut truly is a wonderful state, it’s so beautiful here, I’d certainly miss it.

I had the strangest feeling the other day. Sunday when I first got sick I didn’t feel like doing anything so I grabbed an old tub of “stuff” I’d put away in storage and started going through it. I found this handmade bracelet and it baffled me. I had the weirdest amnesia like feeling when I looked at it. Like I should know it but I didn’t. I recognized that it was mine and that it was something I used to wear a lot but I’ll be damned if I can’t remember who made it for me. It was very simple and I’m sure it was made by one of my old friends but I just can’t remember who. I’ve been wearing it once in awhile lately and maybe I’ll remember eventually.

I guess everyone probably feels the way I do sometimes. Not knowing for sure what the right thing to do with your life is. Everyone probably feels like they’ve lost themselves when they transition from teenager to adult. Probably just a symptom of growing up. But it’s weird because for the first time in my life I don’t know what I want and don’t have a plan. I know I want lots of pets, a pool, a hot-tub, my datsun fixed, and lots of money but that’s pretty much it for now. 🙂