Car Accidents

So, my dad called Friday night and left a message while we were out grocery shopping. I can read my dad pretty well and can usually tell when something isn’t right.

Something wasn’t right on Friday night. He didn’t leave any details in the message though which bugged me. Instead, he said he’d send me an e-mail. My first thought was, I hope he didn’t find out that I’ve written stuff in my OD about him. My second thought was that I hope my grandpa is okay. I knew he probably was though because my dad would have left a better message if my grandpa wasn’t okay.

My dad FINALLY got around to e-mailing me last night. He had me worrying all fucking weekend. Not a very nice thing to do, calling someone Friday night while sounding upset and telling them you’ll e-mail them, then not doing it until Sunday afternoon! Not nice at all. I suppose I could have tried calling him, but he usually asks me to call back if he wants me to so I figured there must be a reason I shouldn’t call back.

Anyway, my dad was in a car accident. Some lady pulled out in front of him, a common thing in Oklahoma, and he hit her. He was driving his Chevy Suburban and was going about 50mph. He came out really beat up and had to be taken to the hospital, although he did fare better than the other person involved. She had internal injuries, a broken hip and didn’t know what had happened. After 5 hours dad was able to walk out of the hospital. I’m glad he’s okay.

I’ve noticed up here in CT the most common accident seems to be rear-endings. People don’t pay attention. In Oklahoma the most common accident seems to be T-bonings. I was getting downright annoyed last time we visited Tulsa. People really were pulling out in front of me left and right, I was constantly hitting the brakes. They also have habits of darting in front of you in intersections if you’re going straight and they’re going left. I don’t know which is worse, the constant fear of getting rear-ended or having people dart out in front you you.

All this, plus a recent incident has brought back some issues I was starting to get over. Seems every time I start getting over my fear of being in a car accident something goes wrong and brings it all back. I was doing pretty good and we almost got creamed Easter weekend. Hubby was pulling out of his uncle’s blind driveway, it’s a really bad driveway. People tend to ignore the signs that warn you that there’s a driveway with no visibility ahead and this guy in a blazer I think it was came flying around the corner. My heart jumped into my throat and I thought “this is it”. Luckily we didn’t get hit, hubby went one way, the truck went the other. The scariest part of that was the fact that our puppy, Sara, was in her crate in the back of the Accent. I would have been PISSED if he’d hit us with her in the car.

Ever since I got rear-ended in ’99 I haven’t been the same with driving. If traffic is too heavy my palms get sweaty and my heart races and I get a kind of tunnel vision. If we or someone behind us has to stop fast the same thing only I panic more. I can’t drive myself to work because of this, I only drive during times when traffic is light, and rarely without someone else in the car. For a long time I’ve had this feeling that I’m going to die in a car accident someday. Even before my accident in ’99 I’ve felt this way. Every time there’s a close call the thought of “is this it?” pops into my head and a strange calmness falls over me. I can’t even describe it, it’s almost like if it’s time for me to die then I’m ready.

Car accidents piss me off. Despite my anxiety issues I am an excellent driver, so is my hubby. I was one of those teenagers that all the parents trusted their kids to ride with, after they got past the fact that I drove well even though I owned a sporty car. Part of my reason for careful driving was the fact that I LOVE MY CAR. I don’t want anything to happen to it. I’ll drive really fast on the highway when it’s empty but I drive carefully and don’t tail-gate or any of those things most of the time. I paid attention in Driver’s Ed and I still remember everything I was ever told. Stop gently and pump your brakes as to not wear down your brake pads (I’ve never owned a car with anti-lock brakes, and would prefer not to), wear your seatbelt, don’t drink and drive, cover the brake around corners, watch other drivers, be defensive. What pisses me off is that every close call I’ve ever had with another driver is the other drivers fault. My accident in ’99 for example, I was turning into someone’s driveway on a fast road, I checked my mirrors, signaled and slowed to turn and next thing I knew I was pumping the brakes, my car was in the grass and my head hurt really bad. I was grateful for the unopened can of ice cold pepsi I’d grabbed when I left the campsite, I had no idea I’d need that as an ice pack when I left though. Then, of course, the people that hit me accused me of being parked in the middle of the road. Excuse me??? Their lie didn’t stand up to a survey of the accident by the police though. SO HA, fucking liers.

That accident has been the start of a lot of problems for me. Driving used to be my outlet. When I needed to unwind I could pop NIN into the CD player and just go drive. I don’t have that anymore though, driving is a stressful event for me now. I don’t have an outlet anymore. Just more stress. I’m plagued by visions of the accident, what could have happened, also visions of the close calls play out as what could have happened in my head. This morning even, I was trying to relax and wake up and the vision of the almost accident on Easter played out over and over in my head. I can’t stop it and I can’t rest.

I know this will pass. It will take several months but the visions will stop once again and I’ll be able to relax. I just really wish the things that cause this wouldn’t happen. I wish people would fucking learn how to drive, it’s not that hard, you just have to THINK and CARE. When I get behind the wheel I remember what my driver’s ed teacher said to us. He said that when we get behind the wheel of a car lives are entrusted to us. Our own life, the life of whoever is in the car with us and the lives of the people who will be driving on the road with us. That has always stuck with me and always will because it’s the absolute truth. I don’t want anyone’s death on my hands, the weight of that would be too heavy for my heart to bear.