Memories

Ever since telling my mother in law about AS and explaining some of my childhood to her I’ve been thinking about it on and off so I’ve decided to write about some of my childhood memories, excluding some I’ve already written about.

I remember having surgery at 2 years old (my urethra was too short and had to be lengthened). Not so much the surgery as the time I spent in the hospital crib. I remember there weren’t just regular crib bars on the crib, there was also a thick sheet of plastic going around the outside. For privacy I guess. I remember not being able to see the faces of my family members on the other side and that upset me. I remember my grandparents bringing me a little red toy farmhouse while I was there that I enjoyed for years to come.

I remember having nightmares about the surgery for years after the surgery.

I remember spending a little time in the daycare at the bowling alley where my mom bowled. I don’t remember if I was older than a lot of the other kids or not, I remember feeling like I was. I remember wishing the other children weren’t there. I remember them being very noisy. I remember sitting on the floor lining up the toys on the shelves the whole time. I also remember needing to use the bathroom very bad but not knowing where it was or how to ask. I remember holding it until my mom came and got me and her getting on to me for not asking the daycare people if I could use the bathroom.

I remember hating kindergarten. I remember the teachers trying to take my blocks away and forcing me to play with the other children. It wasn’t good enough that I sat in the corner stacking the blocks. I had to “Make” something with the other children. I remember wishing I had blocks at home I could play with.

I remember playing “funeral” with the little red farmhouse with my grandfather on his living room floor. We had the little people in ‘coffins’ and the animals lining up to take their turn paying their respects. I remember my mom didn’t think that was too funny when she picked me up. To this day she shakes her head if it’s brought up.

I remember first grade. I remember the other students being disruptive. I remember being singled out by the teacher. “Look how quiet and good Brandi is”. I hated being singled out and I could never understand why the other children didn’t just follow orders. I remember being seperated into small groups by how well we read. I remember being in the second from the top group and being very upset with myself over it. I remember going over and over my math assignments and never missing a problem. Funny how by high school I couldn’t have cared less how many math problems I missed.

I remember adoring my second grade teacher. She ran into my grandpa years later and asked him about me. I was in high school by then. I couldn’t believe out of all the students she’s ever taught that she could remember me specifically.

I remember teachers telling my parents at conference nights that no matter how hard they tried I wouldn’t “Come out of my shell”. I had no idea what they meant by that until years later when a psychologist told me he wanted to help me come out of my shell.

I remember riding horses even though I was terrified of them.

I remember being sent to the principal in fourth grade for skipping class. I wasn’t skipping class though, I was in the bathroom with a friend who wasn’t feeling well. When we went back to class the teacher refused to listen to our story and sent us straight to the principal. Luckily he didn’t call our parents, I know mine would have taken the principals word over mine.

I remember a kid sliding on the floor and slamming into my toe. It started turning black almost immediatly even though I don’t remember feeling much pain until later.

I remember wishing I needed glasses. When I found out I did and got them I remember my dads girlfriends son calling me four-eyes. I called him six eyes back and knee’d him in the balls. When his mom got on to me and told me I could severly injure him this way after school. I remember stating very matter of factly that if he didn’t want to be severly injured he shouldn’t call people names. The conversation ended there.

I remember switching schools in 5th grade. The kids at my other school were used to my silent nature. The kids at this school called me a freak and a nerd and treated me like shit. I remember begging to not be sent to school every single morning. I remember I started playing the flute because the band practiced during recess when a lot of kids teased me. I started playing to avoid having to play outside.

I remember breaking my arm at my cousins roller skating party. I remember not wanting anyone to sign my cast. I remember throwing up spinach in the middle of the night because of my pain medication. I remember my mom never cleaned up my puke, I always had to do it no matter how sick I was.

I remember attaching messages to our golden retrievers collar and sending her into the living room to deliver them to my mom when I was grounded. Things like: “Please can I be ungrounded now?”

I remember choking on Turkey on Thanksgiving. It was the most terrifying feeling. I remember choking again at home. I remember being terrified of swallowing so I would hide food and throw it out after dinner. I remember my mom not believing me when I said I was terrified of choking and my step-dad threatening to stuff a hot dog down my throat. I remember my grandmother was kind enough to make me some broth on Christmas saying that I should eat something so I could share Christmas dinner with them. After a couple months my mom sent me to a psychiatrist who I refused to talk to after he lied to me. He promised he wouldn’t tell my mom anything I said to him. As soon as we finished talking he called my mom into the room and told her everything I said. I felt betrayed and refused to talk or even look at him from then on. She tried to put me in a clinic but at the interview they said I was too young. I needed to be 13, 12 wasn’t old enough and they suggested the hospital instead. I remember wanting to be admitted into the clinic so I wouldn’t have to go to school, although I would have had to do the schoolwork at the clinic. I spent a week in the hospital. They released me when I started eating mashed potato’s and pudding. I lived off mashed potato’s, pudding and pedialyte for several months before I started eating solid foods again. I didn’t eat chips or anything like that for a good year.

I remember at the time I wouldn’t eat my dad was also dating someone who was bulemic.

I remember feeling like an outcast.

I remember feeling like a freak when my dad and grandma offered to get my hair permed. The woman who did it fried my hair and everyone at school called me “poof head”.

I remember the guy I had a crush on getting a schedule change so he wouldn’t have to have any classes with me.