4/10/03

*sigh* Thursday. I’ve always liked Thursdays. It’s the first day of the week where I can really start looking towards the weekend. Planning out what I’m going to do and stuff. I guess we don’t really have much planned this weekend though. I’m going to do some clothes shopping I know that much. I’ve been really frustrated, I don’t have much for spring clothes so I end up wearing the same thing every weekend. Plus my favorite pair of black pants has had holes for awhile. I just keep sewing them back up. *sigh* We don’t have any money so I can buy new clothes very often. I used to just wear my work clothes on the weekends too but now that we have a dog I need some more practical clothes for the weekend. Otherwise I’m constantly worried about her jumping up on me or biting my sleeve or whatever. I happened to get a credit line increase on my fashion bug card so I’m going to go there and see what I can buy. 🙂 I don’t really need any more used on credit on my credit report but you do what you have to do to get by right? I for one am sick of sewing up my pants.

We’re planning to take Sara out to hubbys dad’s place too, maybe take her to Petco again and/or for a walk somewhere if the weather’s good. I haven’t bothered to check the weather report, it’s usually wrong anyway so we’ll just see how the weekend goes. 🙂

My dad called last night, I didn’t answer it b/c I didn’t know why he was calling. I didn’t think he’d left a message b/c the message light on our caller ID never flashed. It was screwed up though and hubby discovered that my dad had left a message when he went to use the phone later in the evening. Apparently my grandpa had another stroke. Not too much of a shocker for me as he had one almost exactly 1 year ago and he hasn’t improved all that much since. My dad’s new wife (a home-nurse) was getting pretty far with him before he had this stroke.

The thoughts of what’s happening to my grandpa turned to thoughts about my own mortality and I’m afraid. It’s not that I’m afraid of death, death itself is nothing to fear. What I fear is what happens to every last person in my family before they die. So far the one’s who haven’t died young of heart attacks have spent many years as vegetables before finally passing on. That’s the thing that scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to be a vegetable. If I get to the point I can’t and will never be able to move around again. If I get to the point my great grandmother did, spending years and years in a nursing home bed being turned over and moved around every so often because I can’t move myself I just want to die.

I feel sorry for my grandparents right now, both of them. Last time I visited Oklahoma I saw the pure frustration in my grandfathers eyes because he couldn’t do anything for himself. He wanted things to be like they used to be. We were visiting in the hospital and he kept trying to get up and telling me to come on lets go eat somewhere and stuff. It was heart wrenching. I feel sorry for my grandmother. She has a lot of good years left and her husband is declining rapidly. I can’t even begin to imagine being in this position, watching my husband decline like that. They just bought their dream home in the country together before this all started. They finally got to be where they wanted and this all happens.

I feel guilty sometimes because I’m so far distanced from everything.

I’ve also had another realization. I said before that those in my family, on both sides, that don’t die really old after being a vegetable for years and years tend to die young, have heart attacks and things like that. I’m overweight which puts me higher in the heart disease risk category. I need to make some changes in my life. I need to eat healthier and excersize otherwise I might be one of the one’s who died in their 30’s and 40’s of a heart attack. I figure I won’t get to do everything I want to do until I retire so I’d really like to make sure I live long and well enough to do things like travel the entire U.S and Canada in an RV. 🙂 It’s time for my fat ass to get serious and lose some weight. 🙂 Once the weather straightens up we’ll be walking Sara nearly every night so that will be the start of my working-out. I’ve already started trying to eat less and healthier.