3/26/03

I’m not entirely sure what I want to write about this morning. I have a ton of shit on my mind. The biggest problem is that the stuff first and foremost on my mind is stuff that I don’t want to write about, it’s keeping me from writing about the stuff I do want to write about!

Maybe if I list the things I don’t want to write about that I’m thinking about, hmm, let’s try that:

– Information I’ve been reading on religious brainwashing.

– A seriously, SERIOUSLY fucked up dream I had last night.

– The people in the IT department are turning into Nazi’s.

– I need like a thousand dollars to fall out of the sky randomly so I can get our bills caught up. Why does the beginning of the year suck hard-core?

Hey, I think that worked. Ok, so yeah. I sat on our kitchen floor for awhile after hubby left for school. I had to give Sara a bath but I wasn’t in the mood yet. I thought about my dad for awhile and I thought, y’know, I don’t have to do this to myself. I spent so many years making him proud and what do I get in return? Replaced, forgotten, and lied to. I don’t HAVE to do this to myself, I don’t have to force myself to see him. I can go to Oklahoma, stay in a hotel on the other side of town and park my car in my moms garage when we’re at her house. I don’t have to feel like I have a responsibility to someone that only loves me when he’s depressed, I only get e-mails or phone calls from him on my birthday and when he’s in a fit of depression. I’m not going to do this to myself. I’m going to take whatever time I need to work through my feelings and he can just wait. If I never work through these feelings and never feel like I WANT to see him again so be it, I won’t. I have a mother and step-father who love me, and despite some of my mom’s flaws she’s always loved me no matter what. She loved me when my room was messy, she loved me when I broke things and even when I brought home D’s. She loved me when I was anorexic, when I was depressed, when I was angry and even when I yelled at her. She expressed her displeasure at my mistakes but not in a way that was hurtful. I had made a mistake I was never stupid in her eyes. Because of this I’ve always been able to love her no matter what and forgive her of her mistakes. We all make mistakes.

When I was leaving work yesterday I looked up at my wall. I have pictures on my wall and I thought to myself “hmm, there’s no picture of my dad on this wall”. I think those are the people I really, deeply love. On my wall are pictures of my dads parents, my mom, my mom’s dad and my husband. The only person missing (because I don’t have any decent pictures of him) is my step-dad. I also have pictures of all four of my cats up, none of Sara though because we don’t have any hard-copies yet. Those are the people that really mean something to me, although my dad’s parents are kind of on my avoid list right now.

So yeah, after that I gave Sara a bath. She can’t hold it the whole time we’re at work so she has a tendency to poo in her crate during the night and while we’re at work. She um, had some poo in her fur when we got home so since hubby had class I had to bathe her. I can’t wait until she’s 6 months old, that’s when their “hold-it” muscles are fully developed. She’s only good for 2-3 hours right now. Or as I discovered last night occasionally only half an hour. I took her out RIGHT before I bathed her. After her bath I took a shower myself then came back down to find her standing with her foot in a pile of poo. I cleaned her back up. I worked with her last night for awhile on Sit/stay. She does pretty good for a little while although after a few times she gets too excited. We’re going to buy her a head-collar because now she pulls the leash. Her attention span right now isn’t really long enough to work on heel and the whole stopping when they pull and waiting for the leash to loosen trick doesn’t work on her. She’s happy to stop and chew on sticks or grass and doesn’t associate the sudden cessation of movement with her pulling. We’ll see how it works.

Well, I’m going to go. I’m going to see if I can get my dream interpreted. It’s interesting what people say about dreams, not that I buy into most of it.