3/25/03

Yeah, so I had my Performance Appraisal yesterday. It went okay I guess. I ‘meet requirements’ so I guess I’m doing okay. One of the things that’s always weirded me out about this job is that during any kind of reviews our boss always asks what we want to do. Like if we want to go anywhere else in the company. I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to want to go somewhere else in the company or not, I don’t though. There’s nothing else here I’d want to do. I’m NOT a business person and I don’t want to do full blown technical support or programming. If I’m going to work here I want to stick with technical writing and the little bit of support I do. Some of my goals for the year though are learning about the business side of our company and taking any online technical courses I think might help me. This company is big on furthering your education and knowledge about the company. I agreed with it only because I know if makes me look good to my boss. I do my job fine and don’t really see how any of this shit is going to help aside from the interpersonal skills stuff. I’m going to take a wholehearted look at the interpersonal skills courses, I guess.

I don’t know what’s up with raises this year, actually no one does. I’m hoping we get them on time in April because we’re drowning in bills at home. Being an adult sucks. I thought it had more benefits than this. It is definatly better than being a teenager though. School and my parents always said “you’ll look back on these years as the best years of your life”. HA! NOT TRUE! Since I was about 15 or so the only thing I’ve wanted was to be able to make my own choices, be where I want to be doing what I want to do without my dad hounding me about this or that or my mom grounding my ass to my room until it’s clean. I love being an adult. I can throw my fucking clothes on the floor, leave empty soda cans around and stay out until 2am without being punished for it. The thing that drove me nuts is that I wasn’t a bad kid. Yes, I did things that my dad would have considered wrong, but they weren’t things I considered wrong and to me that’s what mattered. Sex before marriage, that kind of thing. According to my beliefs there’s nothing wrong with it. I played it safe. My dad’s beliefs can kiss my ass. I didn’t drink and drive, I didn’t do drugs, hell, to this day I’ve never even done so much as smoke a joint. I don’t want to. All I wanted was to be treated like an adult, I didn’t want to get in trouble. What I like about being an adult is that everything I do is something I chose to do. No one can tell me I have to do something or face the consequences short of my boss. But then again, I don’t HAVE to work here, if I really wanted to I could take out some student loans or something and get a different job. I choose to take the easy way out and just work here and hope for the best until I can do something else. Every moment of my life I’m where I choose to be, even when I’m paying my bills. All in all I probably shouldn’t complain. When I get really down sometimes I think to myself “Self, you could be still living with your dad and evil step-mother” and I smile because at least I’m not there. I also smile because they all said I would be, they thought my marriage wouldn’t last and it has. I haven’t come home crying, I showed them. Those bastards don’t know me as well as they thought they did. I don’t make life changing decisions without giving them A LOT of thought.

Speaking of my dad he’s been on my mind a lot lately. I can’t decide what to do about him and his side of the family. I’m still pretty bitter. For the longest time I wrote off all the things my mom had said about them but now that I’m an adult I’m learning for myself that mom was right. The biggest thing that bothers me is that they’re very selfish. I always felt that since they gave me so much and did so much for me that they really loved me, but really, it’s so I’d love them. They give me money so I’ll love them. They do things for me so I’ll do things for them. This isn’t a business partnership THIS IS FAMILY. You don’t have to give me things and do things for me to make me love you. As a matter of fact that offends me, deeply, to be ‘bought out’ by my own family. When I tried to have a small little wedding with one or two friends as witnesses my family pulled the whole “look at all we’ve done for you, you can’t do this to us” shit. Then there’s the fact that they’ll lie to get their way with things. The thing that bothered me with my dad and step-moms divorce was that I had two evils to choose from. The liers and the abusive bitch. I chose the abusive bitch until she verbally attacked me in my own home then I decided it was easier to deal with selfish liers. I don’t want to see my dad, I don’t want to deal with him but years of “brainwashing” tell me I have to even though deep down inside I know better. I don’t trust my dad, I don’t even believe that he hasn’t been using drugs. I can’t believe him because he’s the master at hiding it and he’s lied to me in the past. I don’t want to see him but I’m afraid to hurt him. We’re planning a trip to Oklahoma by the end of this year. Hopefully by then I’ll have decided whether to tell my dad I’m coming or tell my dad I’m broke and ask my mom if I can hide my car in her garage.