1/20/03

My mom got all mushy on me over the flute cd. *sigh* My mother, I love her but she’s so over emotional sometimes. It was sweet but I never know what to say to her I’m just really, really glad she e-mailed me instead of calling!!

She also said that her father said he was going to help her find her mother. I think he realized that she was serious about the search and he could either work with her like he should or he could work against her like a jerk kinda like my dad when I wanted to move up here to CT. My dad realized he could either let me go with his blessing or he could fight me and lose me in the end because I was going either way and he knew that. I think my mom’s dad realized it wasn’t worth losing her.

I do think it would be fantastic to meet my real grandmother. In my heart it seems I always knew my mom’s step-mom wasn’t my real grandma. I always felt the outcast, like all the other grandkids got the good stuff. I hope my mom finds her and I also found out my mom has 2 other half siblings she didn’t know about!!

My hope is that through this my mom will learn the importance of finding your blood relatives. Maybe through her own feelings of wanting to find her own mother she can understand that she has a daughter out there that may feel the same way. I don’t know if my sister has looked for my mom at all but I wonder sometimes. I hope that when the time comes that I have it in me to look for my sister that she has learned from this and will help me the same way her father is helping her.

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I feel better lately. Something clicked over the weekend when I was driving, yes driving, the car. Something inside clicked and I felt like I was ‘back’. I wasn’t afraid when people got on my ass. Fear didn’t fill me at every stop-light. I feel like I regained a little bit of self-confidence and a little bit of myself back. I feel like myself again. Maybe the anxiety over the driving is gone for good now. I feel more confident.

I also feel sick. Yesterday I noticed my nose was stuffy and I just generally felt yucky. This morning I woke up and my throat is sore and my nose is stuffy and I feel yucky all over. I’m at work though, I can’t tell if I’ve got another cold or if it’s just my allergies making me miserable.

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I hate bugs. Yesterday morning I was going to make Indian Fry Bread for breakfast, not the healthiest thing in the world but yummy nevertheless. For those of you that don’t know what indian fry bread is it’s kind of like a sopapilla that you get at a mexican restaurant. If you don’t know what that is it’s a small squarish peice of dough fried in grease, it tastes kind of like a funnel cake! Really yummy. Anyway, I was going to make those and when I went to mix the ingredients I saw a dead bug in my flour. Yes, folks, a dead bug. All together now repeat after me: “EWWWWWWWWWWWWW”. What I want to know is how said bug got into my flour that was packaged tightly in a zip lock baggie containing no holes! Dead bug in tightly sealed plastic baggie with NO holes can only mean one thing…dead bug came from the factory the flour was packaged in. The worst part of this? This was the last of my flour, we’ve been using package of dead bug flour in baking for at least a year now. Yuck.

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*sigh* and once again I hate my job. Okay, it’s not the job itself, it’s the people I have to sit around. Mr. snorty snot wad guy is being his typical snorty snot wad self. Someone 2 cubes back is crunching celery, I cannot stand the sound of food crunching while I’m trying to do anything. And of course, it’s fucking cold in here. I really, sincerely wish I could work from home but of course, I can’t. So if you don’t mind I’m going to go see if I can acquire a sharp object to put myself out of my misery with. Nah, actually, I’m going to see if I can acquire a cd and perhaps my coat.