Getting It Out – He Was Always a Fucked Up Mess.

Looking backwards over the past few days since the breakup I can’t believe I actually bought into his shit from the beginning.  Years of fucking ups and downs and head games and I still tried!  Oh but then the lies started coming out.  Only the ones I caught him redhanded in, so who knows just how many lies there were that I didn’t catch.  That was the end for me.  There’s just no need to ever, ever lie to me and I’ve always told any man I’ve ever been with that.  Don’t ever lie to me, because if you do?  All done.  Truth is?  I never trusted him fully to begin with.  And without trust?  All relationships are doomed to fail.  I told him that when we broke up before.  When he came back basically begging for another chance…I told him I didn’t trust him…and he actually cried and said he was going to change that.

Roight.  But I believed it, I bought it, hook, line and sinker.  Asshole that I am.  Because deep down the truth is?  I didn’t want this relationship to fail.  I needed this relationship to succeed so I didn’t feel like a total fool for ruining my marriage!  I needed it to succeed because I needed to feel right.   

OMG the head games…I am surprised my brain is still working from the games he’s played with it for all this time.

For instance?  Head games?  This is an email I received November 1, 2011 from him first thing in the morning.
 
Titled: Hello Beautiful.

You are my sunlight on a dark and cloudy day
A gentle breeze that cools me on a hot summers night
The rain falling down covering me with your love

Like the waves breaking on the shore you wash away my pain
Like the rain falling on the roof you awaken my senses
Like the flowers in springtime you bring me hope for a new beginning

I Love You!

What a joke, right?  I mean, seriously?  But that’s exactly how he pulled me in from the beginning.  Love poems and song dedications which made me all starry eyed and blinded me to the clear warning signs I really knew where there.  Like the fact he cheated on every relationship he’s ever had, the fact he left his wife for the first time when their son was 2-years-old because she was paying more attention to their son.  The fact he felt it was okay to walk in and out of their lives multiple times and will do so again.  All the signs were there, I was just blinded by pretty words.  The hissy fits he pulled while we were new and the angst ridden apologies the next mornings should have been all the information I needed. But?  It wasn’t.  The way he tried to keep me from all my friends (and succeeded the first time).

The next night after that lovely email he turned into a screaming maniac and told me for the zillionth time "I am done with you".  Which?  I called him on 2-weeks ago after he put me through emotional hell on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  I told him, "I never really put two-and-two together, but your comment to me all the time "I am done with you" speaks volumes I never heard before and tells me a whole lot about you and how you look at women in general.  People are not possessions or vehicles, Chris.  You do not say to someone you love or even have ever loved, ‘I am done with you’ as if you’re talking about throwing out a piece of garbage.  Now I see it clearly, you think of women as you do trucks.  You are all excited when you first get one, then you bore of it easily and are done with it and you trade it in for a new model."

There’s just so much I see more clearly now.  I can’t believe how blind I was to it all and all of the emotional and psychological abuse I allowed him to throw upon me.  I told him he’d replace me soon enough, that he’d find another vulnerable woman somewhere, send her lovely poems and song dedications, get her to fall for him only to wind up tearing her apart too.  Because, hey, that’s your sick and twisted game.  Some kind of sickness he has, a weird fucking way for him to continually get back at his first wife for all the dirty deeds she pulled.  Some kind of sickness inside of him, low self esteem, narcissim, whatever you want to call it, that needs validation from woman that he’s a man. 

My own sickness is thinking I can fix people.  I know this now.  I fixed Brian of his drug addiction when we met, I tried to fix Chris.  But Chris is unfixable because as he screamed at me one night recently in yet another drunken rage "I do not need to be fixed, I am never going to change and I am fine the way I am."  Yeah, okay buddy…keep telling yourself that while you sit and marinate in your self imposed misery.  My therapist said I learned this a long time ago when I had to listen to my mother…take care of her and my little brother.  How I was always trying to fix things for her to make her happier so she wouldn’t drink so much and cut herself to shreds with razors.  I never did fix her.  I never really fixed anyone…but now I see it for what it is and I know the only person I can fix?  Is me.  Oh, and I am working really hard at fixing myself and doing a fine job of it as well.

Saturday morning before he left, while he was trying to get his self together from another night of binge drinking, he was boo hooing to me about how he is "fucked up" and how he now has to "suffer and live with his own misery".  I went and sat on the couch opposite him, took his hands in mine and looked him right in the face while I said calmly, "Please, do us both a favor huh?  Stop the pity party.  You create your own misery…you need therapy Chris, whether you think so or not.  Seriously consider it…otherwise you will continue to live a life of self-imposed misery."  

EVERYTHING about him is negative.  He literally sucked the life out of me.  I knew coming home every damned day I was going home to face another night of fucking everything negative.  Can’t watch a TV show without him saying he "hated this" or "that person sucks" or something along those lines.  From time to time I’d ask, nicely, "Please Chris, can you do one thing for me today and just try to be positive."  If I say, "Omg the sky is so blue" he’d follow with "it’s going to be gloomy later".  On and on and on.

I’m still shocked he listened to me when I said this time I do not want any texts, calls or emails – I haven’t heard from him since I watched him drive away Saturday afternoon.  I am wondering if him having the $5k he owes me today was just another lie.

Funny thing?  I am not a crying mess, I am not terrified of coming home to no one being there or coming home later.  It’s really been okay so far.  Isn’t the first week or so after a big breakup supposed to be the worst? If so, then damn, I am really going to get through this easily.  Fact is?  It’s been nice going home to the dogs and not having to deal with a negative asshole and walk on eggshells.  It’s nice not having to make dinner and clean up afterwards.  It’s nice to not have to watch hockey games or go in the other room.  It’s nice not having to hear about and watch football all day Sunday.  It’s nice not hearing someone diss or put down everyone around him.  I don’t have to do endless loads of laundry, god that man is worse than a woman when it comes to clothes. 

Fact of the matter is?  I miss Brian (still) more than I am missing Chris.  I never really stopped missing Brian and I probably never will.  But que sara sara, he wants no contact with me and I have accepted that. 

*deep breath* God it feels good to just get some of this out.