The Breakup – New Year

Ready? Friday was the day he was told he had to leave, I did what I said I’d do and let him stay while his son was here from the Marines. I won’t go into how much of a prick he was the last couple weeks or how he completely ruined my holiday. 

Friday morning he started packing his stuff (tools) to bring to his wife’s house. I went that morning while he was doing that to watch my friend Lisa’s little girl so she could take her other little one to the doctor without a hassle. I then went and got an oil change thinking he’d be done by the time I got back. I came home and he was gone…or so I thought. He had only taken his tools and he had fixed the vanity I was making for the attic dressing room. All his clothes and stuff were still there. He comes back about 2:00 and makes a cup of tea and sits at the table. I said, "well since you’re not all moved out and it will take a little more time for you to get the rest of your stuff together, can you feed the dogs and let them out so I don’t have to do it so early before I leave for Connecticut." He said fine so I started getting ready to go. Figuring we could leave even earlier in case of traffic and stuff. While I was getting ready he said, "I have a headache I am going to lay down, if I fall asleep before you leave, please wake me up." I merely said "Fine" and continued to get ready. At 3:00 PM I went in and told him I was leaving. He said "already" and I said "Yes, goodbye Chris." He said in an angry way, "That’s it? Goodbye? Okay, be safe." I said thank you and out the door I went. I didn’t even cry.

I had a wonderful, amazing time at the concert. It was totally like Rob was singing the closing chapter of this part of my life. I know it sounds goofy or whatever, but I felt good, strong…and really okay. Once again Rob came through for me right at the time when I needed him the most.  Odd, but that’s been weirdly true of his music for me forever.  I drove my friend Wally home, came home fully prepared to spend my first night in my home alone. I was, well, kind of actually looking forward to that.

Instead? I pull down the street and his car is there. My heart dropped. There goes my amazing night. I go inside and he’s passed out, fully dressed, drunk on the couch. I walk over and tap his leg and say, "Uhm, Chris what are you doing?!?" He mumbled he wanted to make sure I got home okay. I said, "well you could have just called." He got up, stumbling and said, "Fine, I will go now." No way in good conscience could I let him drive that way. Which? No doubt he knew. So I say, "You’re not driving in this condition, sleep it off." He then says to me, "Put your boots back on." I said, "WHAT?" He says, "Put your boots back on you look really hot tonight." I said, "Chris, go to bed, you’re drunk and I am not going to do this!" So he comes into the room where I am going to change and says it again, "Put your boots back on please…just once more." I said, "Fine, Chris, what do you need some kind of final mental picture of me — fine, then will you please leave me be and go to bed." I put the boots back on and he’s staring at me. Then he leaves the room and I get undressed and I go to bed. He comes in and starts crying…asking me if he can just hold me one more time…so like an idiot, I feel bad and let him come to bed with me. He asks me for a good night kiss, so like an idiot again I give it to him. Then he gets really aggressive and says, "I want to fuck you" and starts trying to do that. I pull away and tell him go to sleep that I am not about to sleep with him, I said, "I am sorry, but that will NOT be good for me so NO." He tries again, I really thought … well you know what I thought. He finally stops and starts crying again and finally passes out wrapped around me. I eventually fall asleep and early in the morning I wake to him trying to have sex with me again, I start to push him off and he says again, "I just want to fuck you". I say again, "no, Chris, no…I told you last night that’s not good for me — no." So I get up. He passes out again…I get the dogs up and ready and I have to take Daisy and Dixie to the vet. I do…come back and he’s still sleeping!!! I make enough noise to wake him up and he calls me to come in there. I go in and sit on the chair and he apologizes for his actions last night. I say, "Fine, whatever, Chris…you were drunk and as has been our second biggest issue, you’re not a nice drunk. I get it." Blah, blah, blah. He says, "Yes, I want to fuck you, we haven’t been intimate in weeks now." I just look at him, stunned and say, "Well no we haven’t and you know why. What did you think? I was going to let you treat me like a cum dumpster again before you leave? I did that the last time remember Chris, and I felt like utter shit about it afterwards. I refuse to sacrifice myself anymore for you. I already did enough of that last night…you asked me to hold you, so I did. I’ve done enough sacrificing of myself for you for a lifetime and I don’t know why you want to insist upon trying to completely crush me." Of course I am sobbing by now. Fuck, like why couldn’t you just have been GONE already! Still? I care, he looks like complete shit so I asked him if he ate last night before binging and he tells me no. He’s not looking good again and I can tell his glucose levels are tanked. He’s swaying and pale as a ghost and I can see he’s sweating. So I tell him to go sit down on the couch and I give him a glucose tab and tell him to eat it. That I will make him something to eat so he doesn’t pass the fuck out. I go make him some eggs, bring him juice. He lays down for a little while and then starts packing the rest of his shit to go. The last thing he said to me was, "I left you some tools, I left you my shop vac and the leaf blower/vacuum. You will probably want to take the gutter extensions off the house before it snows so they don’t break. I will have the rest of your money on Wednesday when it hits my account." I say, "That’s fine, thank you." He then uses a fucking Adele lyric to say goodbye, "I wish only the best for you." And I am like, "Seriously?!?!" Instead I say nothing and he leaves the keys on the table and goes.

Seriously?!?! Like really? You ruined my Christmas, you ruined an amazing night I had seeing my favorite artist, and you ruined my New Years Eve. He had to just put me through the shredder one more time and then leave with a fucking song lyric as a goodbye?

And that is all of it. I haven’t heard from him since, which is good.  I need a clean break this time.  I told him that when I told him he had to leave.  I said, "no texts this time, no emails and no phone calls."  Although when my brother came over Sunday and helped me with the gutters and rekeyed my outside garage door opener — I saw he left some things of his in the garage. So I am figuring I will hear from him via email tomorrow, telling me he has the money he owes me and can he bring it over (probably Thursday since he probably has soccer on Wednesday).I am going to tell him that is unnecessary and to please just mail the check to me.  I will then ask him what he wants me to do with the shit in the garage. I will offer to leave it outside for him to pick up.

Oddly enough?  I cried once more New Year’s Eve.  I cried a little bit New Year’s Day.  I cried a little bit talking to my friend Lisa about this yesterday.  But other than that?  I am really doing okay – I realized I am really going to be okay by myself.  Nothing really changes except the door doesn’t open and no one else comes in after I do.  I have the dogs to take care of.  The good changes are I am not walking on eggshells, I am not with someone I do not trust, I am not getting screamed at by a crazy drunk person and I am do not have to take care of anyone else except me right now.  If I don’t want to make dinner, I don’t have to.  I don’t have to watch endless fucking hockey games and football games.  I keep going over all the shit he’s put me through and I keep telling myself how I am finally free, from the lies and the anger and nastiness he’s shown.  If I could have ONE wish right now?  As terrible as it sounds, whatever.  I keep wishing and wishing and wishing that his wife doesn’t allow him to walk back into that house again.  I keep wishing she has the strength, self confidence and self esteem to tell him NO.  That he cannot once again treat her like a doormat.  I did say to him before he left Saturday.  "I really hope you think long and hard Chris before you once again try to walk back into your wife’s and son’s life after walking out on them so many times before.  It’s not fair to either of them and you’re very, very selfish to continue to do that.  Stop playing with people’s heads and hearts.  You’re hurting your son by doing this and by hurting his mother time after time after time."