Oh How Time Changes

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve really poured my heart out in here.  I’ve meant to come here a million times over the past year or so.  I avoided it I think because it was too painful to acknowledge all that was really going on.  Now I need to come back here as a place to purge all this shit that’s inside of me in hopefully a constructive way.

Not really sure where to start, just think I will let my fingers take me to where they need to go.  I guarantee this will be scattered all over the place.  Kind of like my thoughts and emotions are right now.

Chris and I broke up last Thursday.  He packed his things in a matter of 2-hours and out the door he walked.  We had a HUGE argument the night before and I told him I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him that he had 1-month to find a new place to live.  So, he did.  I waiver between knowing I did the right thing and being terribly sad.   

Fact is, he wasn’t getting divorced and any time I tried to bring it up he’d get insanely irate and start screaming at me like some kind of fucking nutcase.  Which in turn did nothing but make me angry and start screaming back.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I couldn’t take the constant worrying that he was going back to his wife again.  For the 4th time or so.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  A friend told me last night, see, I wanted to drive by his house to assure myself I was right.  I know I would have seen his car parked in the drive way.  But at the same time I didn’t want to lower myself by doing so.  My friend said to me, "Leave it be, if she took him back consider it a blessing because he’s no longer your headache.  Feel sorry for her because he’s going to keep doing this to her."  He also said, "If he’d do it to her?  He’d do it to you too."

And?  I really know that.  I think in the back of my mind I always knew that.  That he’d eventually cheat on me or take off.  Because that’s what he’s done in every single relationship he’s ever had.  Another friend of mine said to me that Chris has narcissistic personality disorder.  So I read about it?  Sure enough he fits all the criteria.  Wow, I was so fucking blind to him.  I’ve sat here over the past week and just thought about things and I really see clearly now all the things I didn’t want to see when I was in the thick of it.  

I really think, no, I really believe, Chris saw how vulnerable I was in my marriage and capitalized on that to feed his own fragile ego.  As he’s done over and over and over again.  Me not being really romantically savvy didn’t see this at the time.  I just saw that here was a man who placed me on a pedestal, wanted me, thought I was beautiful and I ate it up like a starving person.

I knew about all his past relationships, yet I really thought he’d be different with me.  I slurped up his charming words, ate up all the poems and song dedications and really believed what he was saying to me.

I was so very very foolish and blind.