control and open doors

my father’s left arm was most often the only part of him that was tan. that was from leaning his arm on the windshield as he drove the car. he loved to drive, loved to be going somewhere and he was a good driver. i drive much like he did – aggressive but cautious and i love speed and the feel of the wind in my hair as i hug a sharp curve.

i feel in control when i drive and that’s what i have strived most for in this lifetime – control. i think it stems from having none when i was very young and in very unhappy situations. nothing i could do but make the most of it and find a nook or cranny when i was able. a place to feel safe. a place that felt good.

i’ve carried this over into my adult life. my home is full of nooks and crannies that are fun to curl up in and cozily surround and protect you while you visit there.

i have a need for privacy and after being married for all these years i just now am beginning to feel completely comfortable being with another person constantly. i used to find excuses and reasons to get away even if for only a few minutes. i would feel claustrophobic and suffocated.

as a teenager my room was adjoining the living room and kitchen. you had to pass through my room to get from the front of the house to anywhere else and there were no doors. that was the purest form of torture to me to have no doors. there was no way to shut myself apart from the rest of the world.

it was no one’s fault – my father was off to find his way and my mother did the best she could – sharing her room with my younger sister and brother. my grandfather who lived with us (or more to the point, we lived with him) had his own room. when he travelled i considered it the highest priviledge to spend the night in his room, doors shut and propped up in his big bed watching television. it was sheer heaven to me.

it was important when i had children that they always have their own room. oh, they shared one when they were small but as they grew into puberty i made certain they were able to have their privacy and i always knocked or announced myself before entering their room. they don’t know that about me…how important it was for me to give them that gift.

doors are not so important to me these days. in many ways i’ve become more comfortable being open to the world though i still relish my solitude at times. perhaps that comes from simply knowing they are there and that they can be closed.

i still love to drive and a twelve hour shift behind the wheel is completely undaunting to me. one day i will set out on a road trip all alone – something i’ve always wanted to do and never have. nothing has kept me from it in this adult life…i just never have.

MJ+

March 12, 2003

I have to go through Sapho’s room to get to my workroom. Luckily for her my workroom is not heated so I don’t use it much in the winter. All the same I know it is a sore spot for her and I wish I could do something about it.

gray tabby

oh, how much i value my privacy. right now, the boys share a huge bedroom. i don’t know that they’ll ever really have their own unless walls are put up in the basement where their room is.

Little but Mighty

It’s so nice to hear you say that – I can’t even count how many nights I get home after working a 12 hour day and honestly don’t want to say two words to B, I just want some time to myself and that is hard for him to understand. I feel like I barely get two minutes to myself these days and I love being alone to do whatever I want! A road trip by yourself? That actually sounds fun.

Zenith

Thank you for your lovely note.. I love to drive myself.. but I hate driving other people.. Comes from years of a husband telling me how to drive all the time! I value my privacy too.. I am a thinker and thrive on time to myself.. I go crazy if I cant get away from everyone frequently.. I dont understand people who need constant entertainment.

Spinster

I never have enjoyed driving that much.

Ollie

March 13, 2003

Dear patalija, awww, I was there I was sitting on the front stoop just smelling the crisp spring air. Didn’t you hear Chelsea yippin?? You write so much that is in my own mind. I cherish solitude a lot I love my little nooks and crannies in this little house and garden. The front page of your diary is so refreshing. A road trip by yourself? Wow, to AL and FL? Hugs, but please bring George!

gel

After living alone for so long, I get really crazy when I don’t have quiet time by myself. I can understand your need for privacay so completely! I’ve been thinking of a road trip myself after I retire next year. I just want a new car when I do it!

I surely understand. I missed going off for a few days alone because of bad weather and now have to wait awhile for another window of time to do so. And, though we enjoy much together, I need more time of just my own psychic space and timing. We have often lived and worked and played together too much for me. So I have my places to disappear to : ) Hugs and Enjoy : )

Oh yeah, and do take that road trip! I have not long ago and it is fabulous : ) A must!

Icarus Knew

March 18, 2003

Yep, I can drive forever….and often do.

Doodlebug

March 23, 2003

My mom made me sleep with her ’til I was 13 and asked for a walk in closet for a bedroom. It didn’t have a door but I was going to put up a curtain. My dad took the opportunity to move into her room and give me his. Boy, did I catch hell! I don’t even want to tell the whole story. Doors are expensive, in fact priceless.

Nooks and crannies…for safety and protection. Importance of doors. I SOOO understand these things, as you know. Love and tight hugs,